Kata Tak Nak

Just another Wednesday

2012-02-11T09:37:00.002+08:00

PM: Ok ministers, enough with the chatting, our weekly meeting's about to start. Secretary, what's the 1st agenda?

Sec: The reports sir.

PM: Reports? What reports?

Sec: Those reports sir. The ministers are suppose to brief you on the ....

PM: Aaaah yes, the reports. Ok, ok. Minister5 please tell me about the fishing project that your family was given. I understand, the government gave you 370 million to start a fish project so that we won't be dependent on fish from Thailand.

Minister89: What? 370 million? My family was given only 200 plus million only.

PM: That one for meat, not all take meat. Hindus don't take that meat, this is fish, everybody eats fish. Ok minister5, your report please.

Minister5: Thank you PM. First I would like to thank the PM for having faith in my family by giving us this unsecured loan. We are presently sourcing out for some sampans and nets.

PM: Ok, good, good, there is progress here. How much have you spent already?

Minister5: Actually we have used up all the loan and we would like to ask for another about half a billion to carry on.

Minister102: You are only sourcing out for sampans and the money sudah habis ka? How come?

PM: Yes, I would like to know. Good question Minister102.

Minister5: Actually, we have bought a few office lots in Dubai for our office and a few Condos and penthouses in Dubai, Qatar, Singapore, KL and Haadyai. Then, we purchased some BMWs and 2 Ferrari for my son the CEO. Of course there are travelling expenses, hotels, entertainment, credit card bills and the obligatory donations.

PM: Oh, you have donated? Good, good. Have you caught any fish yet?

Minister5: If you approved the additional half billion loan, then I am certain that after buying some more office lots and condos in New York, Paris and London, we could start buying at least 5 sampans to start but to motorise the sampans, I am afraid you would have to add another 2 to 3 hundred million more.

PM: Ok, ok, we would look into that and I would get back to you later.

Minister7: PM, could you give my family an unsecured loan of about 700 million to start off a belacan project so that we wouldn't have to import belacan from the Falklands anymore?

Public Enemy

2012-01-29T17:15:00.000+08:00

Spy1: Boss, we have cornered the suspect.

Boss: Where? Do not do anything yet, wait for my instructions.

Spy1: At Brothers Barber Shop Sungai 2 boss. I think he is trying to change his hair style to fool us.

Boss: Good, stay with him and wait for back-up. A platoon of marines from the US of A will be with you soon.

Spy1: Why do we need the marines for boss? We could do it ourselves.

Boss: Shut up you fool. Don't you know that he is dangerous? That;s why he is high up in the most wanted list.

Spy1: But boss, we have 30 men fully armed, why hire marines from the US of A?

Boss: They are the best, anyway, they only cost 50 million a day.

Spy2: Boss, suspect is coming out of the barber shop and is taking his Suzuki scooter towards TESCO Sg 2.

Boss: Stay with him, I repeat, stay with him, the marines are at the traffic lights in front of TESCO, they will get him there.

Spy2: Okay boss, roger and out.

(After 10 minutes)

Spy1: Boss, we have apprehended the suspect. He was about to make the exchange when the marines stormed in. Only 5 civilian casualties boss. Caught in cross-fire boss.

Boss: Good. Never mind about the casualties, collateral damage. Did you get everything on video? We need the video in court to prove this dangerous transaction.

Spy1: Yes boss, in HD some more.

Boss: Good, we will make sure he rots in jail. Anyway, did you get the evidence?

Spy1: Yes, boss, the RM200 book voucher is now in our custody.

Calling For Freedom

2012-01-11T14:50:00.000+08:00

If you love peace and justice and if you believe we Malaysian can live together irrespective of race, religion and colour then you must see this.

ALHAMDULILLAH

2012-01-09T09:58:00.003+08:00

NOT GUILTY says the judge and also the millions of level-headed justice loving people. Only UMNO arseholes believe otherwise. Of course they will appeal but that is for another day.

ALHAMDULILLAH

Just in case UMNO arseholes do not know how to count, how many do you think came? 1 hundred? 2 hundred?

But Tuan ......

2011-12-30T14:17:00.001+08:00

Awang: Hello tuan, can you please help me?

Tuan: Sure we are always here to help. Are you poor?

Awang: Yes, tuan I am very poor tuan. I only get 700 a month and must support a wife a 5 children.

Tuan: Oh, how sad. How may I help you?

Awang: You see tuan recently because my children very hungry I stole from the supermarket and got caught. The court fined me RM3000 tuan so can I borrow to pay the fine?

Tuan: Hey! This is Pusat Urus Zakat, not Ah Long. We don't help these cases all.

Awang: But Tuan, why Menteri can borrow?

Kicap Cap Sia

2011-09-17T12:08:00.001+08:00

Manager: Boss, I am sad to report that our sales have dropped quite a lot la.

Boss: I know and that worries me. Do you have any ideas on what to do?

Manager: I don't know la boss. Everything we do just didn't catch fire la.

Boss: Let me see the product again. Hmmm! I know, lets change the name of the product, add more colours. get a catchy name.

Manager: You mean a new product?

Boss: Sort of.

Manager: I don't get you

Boss: Instead of Kicap Cap Isa, we change it to Kicap Cap Sia. Just add a little more Ajinimoto inside, change the labeling to make it attractive and offer a bigger bottle for the price of the old one.

Manager: Do you think the people would buy it?

Boss: Do you have any other idea?

Manager: What about close shop?

Please don't go!!!!!!!

2011-09-10T23:06:00.000+08:00

Mat: Please, please don't go. Where am I going to find another partner like you? Please. Don't you cherish all the good times we had together?

Dollah: Noooooo! I'd rather die than to be without you please, don't go. Please, please, I can't take this.

Samad: What is life without you? If you must leave, then please take me with you. I've never had a partner like you before.

John: No, we have to go. It saddens us to go what with your tin and rubber but we must leave. Remember, you were never colonised, you were a partner, an equal partner. You have been independent all this while. Thanks for your gifts of rubber and tin. Her Majesty sincerely appreciated it. Bye-bye partner. Remember, whatever people may say about our relationship, one day a chosen one by the name of KELING would clear the air.

Sorry la Datuk

2011-09-07T11:11:00.000+08:00

Journalist: Sorry boss, I can't go la, my daughter is sick, get someone else la please.

Chief: Aiseyman, where to find replacement, after all, it is only a few hours work. Kampung Baru only, near your house what.

Journalist: Cannot la boss, my wife will be angry la, please la boss. When have I ever refused you assignments? This time betul-betul cannot la boss.

Chief: Where to find people ah? You are the 18th person who turned down this assignment. Usually you all would be pestering me to go because of the free makan and allowance.

Journalist: You go la boss, got chance to be buddy buddy with the VIP.

Chief: Actually I want to go but my grandmother is getting married. What to do ah? Okay la, I'll call the VIP and let him know that we can't send anyone. ....... Hello, Datuk, Bernama here, we can't send the 500 journalist that you requested to go to Kg Baru this evening la, sorry la Datuk. What? 490 also can? I can't even get 1 la Datuk. Please don't be angry at me la Datuk Azeez.

UMNO Parrots and the Communists.

2011-09-03T16:29:00.003+08:00

Mat Sabu said something about the communist attack on Bukit Kepong under British rule, which means, it was a British police-station. UTUSAN MELOYA spins the story to make it look like Mat Sabu had glorified the commies and then out came some of the most stupid Malay parrots and began to condemn Mat Sabu to the extend of calling those who saw no wrong with what he had said as commie worshipers.

I am so ashamed of these Malays who tried to sound educated but are truly so damn bloody stupid as to give credence to what UTUSAN had spun. Now I am going to accuse these arseholes of something which they are going to vehemently deny because it is not going to look pretty on their masters. These arseholes are actually racists of the lowest kind.

They are not actually mad at communism, they are actually mad at Chinese communists. I am not going to dwell much on what Sabu had said because it has been amply documented. What I am going to touch on is the hypocritical ways of these arseholes.

First let me reiterate that I am no commie lover, lest those morons start calling me one. They denounce the communist regimes as evil when the regime that they glorify at home is no better. Let me show you a few examples of the hypocrisies of these arseholes.

In a comminist regime, the masses, meaning the ordinary folks, have no access to information. All channels of information is controlled by the regime. Here in this country, the kampung folks who incidentally speak no English, are fed with news from MELOYA, and the Media Prima group. Where do they get access to alternative news? They are being prevented from getting the real news. So commie like.

In a commie regime, those accused by the regime of any wrongdoings are never allowed to explain themselves to the masses. Here it is the same. Was Sabu ever allowed the space by MELOYA and the Media Prima froup to explain what he had said? It is a big NO. Reminds of of the communists?

In a commie regime, the concentration of wealth is within the party politburo and those connected to them and what is the difference with what is happening in this country?

In a commie regime, protests, no matter how peaceful are brutally treated and we know what met the protesters in BERSIH and BERSIH 2.

I am in no mood to go on any longer because it nauseates me. All I want to say to these few parrots is please try to be original. Just because MELOYA said something doesn't mean you have to parrot it, It just shows your stupidity.

Ponder.

2011-08-05T10:19:00.000+08:00

Masuri is very ambitious. He wants to be Prime Minister so he decides to use the service of Koyakutty who himself was an ex Prime Minister. He knew how Koyakutty ruthlessly smeared and cut down to size Matakuyu. Matakuyu was the one who succeeded Koyakutty as PM.

So successful was Koyakutty that Matakuyu is now a non entity. Koyakutty installed Nasmon as Matakuyu's replacement hoping that Nasmon would toe the line and abide by his orders but Nasmon had a very strong missing rib who got him in all kinds of trouble, not to say that Nasmon himself is not without failings.

The story goes that Koyakutty is very-very displeased with Nasmon for trying to be independent and decided to get rid of him and eventually install Mucousryz, his son, as the next Emperor. As his name suggests, Mucousryz is still green, his mucous has not dried yet, so no one would take kindly to the idea of being led by a baby.

Koyakutty knows that he has to install someone else first and serve for enough time till Mucousryz's mucous dry up so he pounced on Masuri, knowing of his ambition, and made a pact. Masuri welcomes the offer and a plan had been put in place.

The plan is so successful that Nasmon is suffering the fate of Matakuyu before his 'banishment'. Koyakutty wants everything to be done fast because he knows that his twice by-passed tinker could decide to call it a day anytime. He is no spring chicken you know.

I do not know the outcome of this tale but I do have a few questions. Masuri, though not known for his brilliance, is not dumb to be able to be where he is right now. He should know that a person like Koyakutty is not to be trusted at all. If Koyakutty could destroy Matakuyu and Nasmon, he could do the same to him (Masuri).

If he succeeds in dethroning Nasmon then it would mean that he will have to toe the line and do whatever Koyakutty orders or suffers the same fate as PM5 and PM6. Now would he want to be a mere puppet? I don't think so.

Does this mean that Masuri is confident that he could be his own man? How? Does this also mean that Masuri is banking on Koyakutty's tinker deciding that it is taking a long long long break and with that he could send Mucousryz to Kerala to meet his distant cousins?

I do not know what is going through Masuri's mind right now but, no matter what the outcome is, it looks like it is a 'heads you win and tails I lose' kind of thing.

My 5 months old granddaughter is getting married.

2011-08-02T20:25:00.001+08:00

Don't be surprised if I were to tell you that my granddaughter who was born on Valentine's Day 2011 is getting married soon.

Hey, if a PR could get citizenship in 4 hours, why not this?

Help, help.

2011-07-11T10:27:00.001+08:00

My knees were shivering as I broke into cold sweat fearing the impending Crimson Tsunami. Why have we awaken the sleeping giant? Oh, no! we are surely gone now. They are going on a war path. Read this, and you will know why I am so afraid.

If on the 9th, they mobilized a staggering 300 and painted the capital Red, imagine what would happen if the could mobilize 301.

Anyway, feast your eyes on this. Hmm, I wonder if they are Pakistanis or Bangladeshis?

Stop Press

2011-06-30T20:47:00.000+08:00

A jaundice patient who was in critical condition was dragged from the ICU ward at a government general hospital yesterday.
A police spokesman confirmed the arrest and added that they are very serious in combating BERSIH.

Bastard!

2011-06-29T10:09:00.000+08:00

I checked with the Registration Department and true enough I couldn't find The Bar Council's parents marriage certificate, in fact, there was no mention of any parents' name in the Bar Council's birth certificate.

I guess Bgheheng Ali's accusation that the Bar Council is a bastard is most probably true. Then, out of curiosity I checked that of Perkasa's and was taken aback. The damn organisation also has no mention of parents in it's birth cert and to be fair, I have to conclude that Perkasa is also most probably a bastard. Hmmm! so, in that case, Bgheheng must be the Chief Bastard of Perkasa then.

Will you please shut up!.

2011-06-09T12:31:00.001+08:00

Will Tun Mahathir please shut up. Your time is over la. Karpal is right when he asked you to repent. Repent la old man. You are not going to live forever you know. Do you know what is NYANYUK? Yes, it is SENILE. As for your comments about PAS, please see below.

“As far as I can remember, the person who had sent a letter to the Kelantan government in opposition over hudud laws at one point of time was Mahathir Mohamad and not Karpal Singh," Nik Aziz wrote in his Facebook.

Yet Again

2011-05-23T10:44:00.002+08:00

This time it is especially sweet because no one gave us a chance.
WE ARE INDEED THE CHAMPIONS.

SOS

2011-05-18T07:01:00.000+08:00

Please, please, please go to this link, read it and do what you feel is right. If you have been a regular visitor then you know who he is, if you are new to this blog then let me tell you this, Kerp is one hell of a special person and Molee is indeed an angel.

I just want to celebrate the number 19.

2011-05-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

I dedicate this song to the millions of Manchester United fans all over the world, from the North to the South Pole. We hit 19. Yes, 19

To My Darling Bebo

2011-04-10T14:29:00.000+08:00

Even ET is impressed

2011-03-27T17:10:00.002+08:00

Army Chief: Datuk Seri, you are not going to believe this but please have a look out of your window sir.
Datuk Seri: On my money god! What is that?
Army Chief: I believe it is a spaceship sir.
Datuk Seri: A spaceship? Why land here? What do we have that is of interest to them?
Army Chief: Look, they are coming out of the spaceship? Do I give orders to shoot DS?
Datuk Seri: No, don't, that would anger them. We don't know how strong they are, if they could get here from god knows where, they must be from an advanced civilisation. For what you know, they could obliterate us with just one squeeze of the trigger.
Army Chief: They are coming our way DS. Do you want me to lock the door?
Datuk Seri: No, I think they come in peace, anyway, I think we couldn't stop them even if we wanted to.
Alien1: Earthling, do not not fear, we come in peace. We do not mean to create panic but we need your help.
Datuk Seri: You need our help? I think you got the wrong country. Try the US of A. They are very advanced. We are just a small country.
Alien2: We have checked, the US of A cannot help us. Only you can do it. We would be very greatful if you could help us.
Army Chief: DS, I think this is a trick. While we are engaged in conversation with them they could be invading is in the North and South.
Datuk Seri: Let's hear what they've got to say first. Err, first of all, may I know from which planet do you come from?
Alien1: We are from the planet Yatalantu in the Nogmaloia Nebular, 3 million light years from your Earth. We have a problem with a neighbouring planet. We need to check on the authenticity of a piece of evidence. We have checked from our database of the universe, only you have the people or should we say the person to help us. Not even the US of A have this expertise.
Datuk Seri: Oh, in that case, we are all to willing to help but what is there in it for us? I mean, don't I get anything in return?
Alien2: Are you asking for a bribe? We don't do that in our planet. If you help us, we will leave here in peace otherwise, we will obliterate this country.
Datuk Seri: Ok, ok, what is it that you want.
Alien2: We would like to prove the authenticity of this CD.
Datuk Seri: Oh, that. Gerneral, get me Yusri.

DatoT & Anwar Conspiracy

2011-03-27T12:08:00.000+08:00

I am over the moon.

2011-02-17T19:28:00.001+08:00

This particular entry is very dear to me. On Monday, 14th Feb, my eldest daughter gave birth by caesarean section to a lovely baby girl who incidentally is my first cucu.

I am now officially Datuk Nazir Khan and no Sultan can take this Datukship away from me.

I am over the moon. Oh yes, the baby's name is Hannah Khaleeda.

VIDEO: GNev + Crosses = Lots Of United Goals

2011-02-04T14:56:00.000+08:00

VIDEO: GNev + Crosses = Lots Of United Goals

So the great servant and loyalist has called it a day. I take my hat off. Let the video above say it all.

Good News

2011-01-05T09:57:00.000+08:00

Man 1: Oh no, not you again. Please don't open your mouth unless you have something nice to say about the government.

Man 2: I come to bring you good words about the government la.

Man 1: Like that ka? Like that means ok, come sit down. Mamak! Teh tarek 1.

Man 1: What good news?

Man 2: I heard from a very reliable source .......

Man 1: What source? How do you know the source is reliable?

Man 2: This one surely reliable one because it comes from the government itself.

Man 1: Ok, go on.

Man 2: I heard the government is getting richer la, by the day.

Man 1: What do you mean? I don't understand la.

Man 2: Ok la, I make it short and simple. RON97 up 10 sen la.

Man 1: @#$%&*@ you, go away la you.

Change Your Lifestyle

2011-01-02T15:28:00.000+08:00

Machai: Boss harga gula naik, apa nak kata kat rakyat?
Menteri: Senang saja, "Kurangkan gula untuk kesihatan".
Macai: Boss, harga minyak naik, apa nak kata kat rakyat?
Menteri: Senang saja, "Guna pengangkutan awam dan elakkan kesesakkan jalan raya".
Macai: Boss, harga ayam naik, apa nak kata kat rakyat?
Menteri: Senang saja, "Lebihkan makan makanan laut untuk kwsihatan dan kecerdasan"
Macai: Harga Daging, ayam, sayur dan beras dan makanan laut naik, apa nak cakap pada rakyat?
Menteri: Senang saja, "Puasa baik untuk kesihatan"

Here we go again.

2010-12-04T09:00:00.000+08:00

Ali: Eh mamak, why only RM2.30 back?

Mamak: Yes la, you makan RM2.70. You give RM5, so balance RM2.70 la. I also got go to school one. No need to learn maths in English also can kira this one.

Ali: I know la mamak, I also know how to kira but yesterday I gave RM5 you gave me back RM2.60. I ate the same thing also.

Mamak: Aiyo that one ka. I say, gula go up already, minyak also go up, gas also go up so my price also must go up la En. Ali. Budak punya gaji misti mau kasi bayar jugak. Teh tarik now go up 10 sen 1 glass and roti canai oso go up 10 sen jugak.

Ali: Teh tarik go up I can understand la because gula and susu go up but why roti canai go up?

Mamak: I say man En. Ali, I must use gas to masak itu roti la. What you think, I tunggu ada rumah bakar baru saya pigi masok masak itu roti ka?

Ali: Waa, sekarang you pandai cakap ah?

Mamak: No la En. Ali, mau hidup la.

Ali: When prices go up, you increase, you not hurt, you maintain your profit or even get bigger profit but what about me? My gaji tadak naik?

Mamak: Why you ask me? Ask the minteri la? Dia jugak kasi itu harga naik? I say En. Ali why make so much noise, naik sikit saja apa.

Ali: You say little la mamak because anyway the price go, you make more profit, but we all makan gaji punya orang suffer la. Don't tell me harga barang naik kalu, makan breakfast two days once only, don't eat everyday.

Mamak: I say, just now En Hassan the UMNO punya ketua come and eat here, he bring 10 people. They all eat and he pay senang saja, tadak cakap apa pun, no complain.

Ali: Dia sapa, saya sapa?

Bad Time

2010-11-18T12:18:00.000+08:00

What a way to go.

Love this version.

2010-11-17T12:02:00.000+08:00

I know I have not posted anything so to prove that I am still alive, here's something from Rahim Maarof with a cover version of a P Ramlee medley. I love this version. It's got soul.

Good Business Sense

2010-10-04T09:43:00.001+08:00

To,
The Government of Malaysia.

Dear Sirs, (Tuns, Tan Sris, Datuk Sris, Datuks and Neneks)

I am a Malay and according to Perkosa, I am entitled to many privilages. So let me get to the point so as not to waste you time as well as mine.

I would like to propose the following deals and if you do not want to suffer the wrath of Perkosa you'd better agree. My proposals are as follow:

1. The government of Malaysia sell my company all parcels of land belonging to the Malaysian government.

2. Lease to my company the Petronas Twin Towers.

3. Award my company the double tracking tender and extend the distance to Turkey.

4. Sell my company all government shares in all GLCs.

5. My company be given the tender to award titles such as Tun, Tan Sri, Datuk Seri and Datuk. You can keep the minor ones. A nominal fee of RM1.00 per award would be paid to the treasury for use of whatever seals needed.

6. All new government tenders and projects must receive my company's approval.

7. To finance all of the above, the government must give my company access to Bank Negara without any interference from either the Governor or any other personnel.

Please reply within week or Perkosa would be angry.

Yours Melayuly

..........................

(Inspired by this.

'Eff'ing mofos

2010-09-24T10:48:00.000+08:00

Just a moment ago a friend sent me a message saying that Katataknak is removed. Of course I was shocked. Who the 'eff'ing hell did it? Perplexed I tried to access my blog and sure enough it said that my blog has been removed.

What the 'eff'. So I did the needful and after filling in some forms and changing my password it has been restored. I would like to thank the people at Google for being very efficient, something that is alien in this country.

I have since activated comment moderation. Sorry for the inconvenience but I have to do it just in case this action could prevent further removal.

Anyway, I admit there have been something amiss with the blog. I do have people coming in making a nuisance of themselves, as if I care. To you mofos, 'eff' off.

Sorry for the not so sweet language but I am pissed off with these mofos.

Javed Bashir, he's fantastic.

2010-09-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

This guy is fantastic. He stands almost equal with the legends Nusrat, Rahat and Ghulam Ali. Just give him a listen.

Cranky Old man

2010-09-16T08:09:00.000+08:00

I received this from a dear friend and would like to share it with all those who care to read. Read it with your heart as well as your eyes. This poem really touches my heart and I sincerely hope that it touches yours. If it did then you should feel happy that something hard has not replaced your heart.
Thank you Mr. CG Tuan for sending me this.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . . . .What do you see?

What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?

A cranky old man, . . . .. .not very wise,

Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food ... . .. . . . . and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . . . . ... 'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice . . . . .the things that you do.

And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . . . .The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . . Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . . . As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... ... . a lover he'll meet

A groom soon at Twenty . . . . ... . . my heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows .. . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.

A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . . have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.

At Fifty, once more, . . ... . . . ..Babies play 'round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . . ... . My wife is now dead.

I look at the future ... .. . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.

And I think of the years . . .. .. . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . .. . . . and nature is cruel.

It's jest to make old age . . . . .. . . look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . .. grace and vigour, depart.

There is now a stone .. . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . .. A young man still dwells,

And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells

I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.

And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . .. . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . .. . . . gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . . that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.

Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . .. . . .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within ... . . .

we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM,

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.

They must be felt by the heart.

Hari Raya Greeting Card

2010-09-09T16:26:00.000+08:00

Hari Raya Greeting Card

To all visitors, Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Holidays. Drive carefully ya hear!

But your honour ....

2010-08-31T18:15:00.000+08:00

Judge: After going through all the arguments both by the defence and the prosecutor and considering the police report about the alcohol level in you on that night which was amply collaborated by the evidence given by the bartenders on that night, I find that the prosecution has proved beyond any doubt at all that you were guilty of reckless driving driving that resulted in the death of 5 innocent people.

Accused: But your honour, how could you disregard my line of defence which was totally plausible?

Judge: Plausible my foot? Just because there were marks around their necks doesn't prove your tall theory that they stood in circles and strangle each other. I have not heard a more stupid line of defence in my life.

Accused: But your honour no one said anything when that certain lawyer said that a certain deceased strangled himself?

Judge: Which idiot said that?

Accused: I can show you the video.

Judge: I don't have time for such nonsense and stupidity. I hereby sentence you to 5 years imprisonment and fine you RM20K or another 2 years.

Accused: Your honour, I know you are a kind and understanding man. In the spirit shown by a certain government, could I do my sentence in instalment?

Solved

2010-08-18T11:10:00.000+08:00

Macai: Boss, last night my neighbour came to me to ask for help.

Boss: Help la.

Macai: Susah la boss, his daughter got expelled from school for being pregnant. She is only in form 3. In fact, 5 of her friends also suffer the same fate.

Boss: Oh like that ka. Okay no problem, we will open a state sponsored school for pregnant teenagers. Tell your friend to wait a while, a few months tops.

Macai2: Boss my friend's son also got expelled.

Boss: He can't be pregnant right?

Macai2: No boss, he is gay. He was caught for giving his friend a head in the toilet.

Boss: Hmm! Never mind, we will start a state sponsored school for gay teenagers. Ask your friend to wait a while.

Macai3: Boss, 1 state director's wife was caught red handed making out with her driver at the Farmosa. Her husband is fuming boss.

Boss: Never mind, we will start a school for wayward Datins.

Macai4: Boss an EXCO kena tangkap basah boss. Do you want to start a school for horny EXCOs boss?

Boss: No, make them teachers in the school for wayward Datins.

Next!

2010-08-02T08:16:00.001+08:00

PP: Good morning Tun, how are you today. ....... er, Tun, how are you this morning?

Tun: What? Are you talking to me?

PP: Yes, Tun.

Tun: I am MM, why do you call me Ton. That is short for Zaiton, or Halimaton right? Can't you see that I am a man?

PP: No, I mean Tun as in T-U-N.

Tun: Oh, that, when was I conferred a Tunship?

PP: Okay, never mind Tun. Could you please look at the accuse. Do you recognise him?

Tun: What that chinaman there? Who is he? Why do you call me for apanama unimportant things?

PP: But Tun, don't tell me you don't know him, he was a senior member of your cabinet for a long time.

Tun: You talk as if I was a apanama PM before. Funny la you.

PP: Don't you remember Tun LLS?

Tun: What? Ah Ling ah? Hmm looks like him but I can't remember la.

PP: Tun, please cooperate with the court, do you remember him?

Tun: I don't know la, I can't remember. But if I did, why?

PP: Did he tell you and your cabinet the price of a certain package of land in the PKFZ project?

Tun: Land? What land? What is PKFZ? What are you talking about? Please don't waste my time. I have a meeting with the PERKESO boss, he wants to give me the title Hang Madet. This title is apanama better than a Tunship. It's only given to pure unadulterated Malays. With this title I can wear a tengkolok and keris wherever I go.

PP: PERKESO? What has PERKESO got to do with confering a Hang award? Maybe you mean PERKASA?

Tun: Aaah, whatever la, I really want to be Hang la. Anyway, apanama why ask me, ask Anwar la?

PP: But Anwar has nothing to do with this. He was already out of the cabinet at that time. Please Tun, please cooperate.

Tun: Yes, I know but really I can't remember that apek. He looks like an apek jual rojak only.

PP: Your honour, please instruct the witness to cooperate.

Judge: Wait a minute. Do you mean the crime was committed during the time of the Tun as PM?

PP: Yes, your honour.

Judge: Then I have no alternative but to dismiss the witness. The defendent can go and case dismissed.

PP: But your honour, the state has spent a lot of time and money to get the accused to trial. At least tell us why?

Judge: I am a judge in Malaysia. My boss is the CJ. I am only doing what the CJ recommends. Please read this.

Tan Sri Azmi, the Chief Justice of malaysia said that the so-called 'Lingam tape scandal' is already an issue
of the past and that the video which caught a senior lawyer trying to 'broker' an appointment of senior
judges should no longer be deliberated and discussed by the current judiciary because it is more important
to look forward than to look back

PP: But a crime is a crime. no matter when it was committed.

Judge: Enough la, this one old story la. Let it rest.

Man Utd and the Devil

2010-07-28T10:53:00.000+08:00

I think today it's my turn to write about the Man Utd thingy. Yes the one about the jersey supposedly to bear the true portrait of the devil and how all the ills of this world were actually committed by Man Utd Jersy wearing fans. Yes, those fans who don't wear these jersey are okay, only those who wear them would turn into devils and start wreaking havoc. I didn't know that Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Mahathir are Man Utd fans.

Funny, I could have sworn seeing a certain rempit snatching a lady's handbag while wearing a Malaysia Boleh T-shirt. I am sure he had the Man Utd emblem tatooed on his chest. Hmm, come to think of it, was Man Utd around when Jack the infamous Ripper was up and about practising his surgical skills? Could it be that Attila and Conan were both central defenders of pre-historic Man Utd?

Anyway, being a diehard fan of Man Utd since my primary school days and now being 54 you could guess how long that is, I would like to confess that I do not own a Man Utd Jersy. First, they are costly, the original ones, and second, the local ones do not have my size coz I wear multiple XL size shirts. No, it has not got anything to do with the 'devil' in the crest coz, I swear the devil actually do not look anything like that. How do I know? Hey I see them on tv everyday, especially on the news dispensing goodies during buy-elections and making false promises, like, "we are doing it for the people" and " we always have the people at heart".

Now this fellow, who came out with the edict must have been a silent Liverpool fan or Drogba's gay bed-partner. Yes, Man Utd have enemies and they come in all shapes, sizes and headgears. He was surely very silent when Liverpool had a certain beer company advertised on their jersey but now that they have switched to that of a bank's, he comes out spewing venom at Man Utd. How convenient.

I wonder if this donkey would next recommend that everyone only wear UMNO and BN shirts so that their passage to heaven would be a smooth one. Those who have more BN and UMNO shirts would go to heaven riding a certain unsubmergeable submarine, but they would have to pay commissions to get the ride. Those who don't have any would have to board engineless fighters and you and I know where that would take you to.

Mr. Mufti, rather than telling people what not to wear, wouldn't it be better if you tell leaders what not to do and how to behave? Wouldn't it be better if you tell people in power, how to manage the people's money? Wouldn't it be better if you tell leaders what corruption is? Oh you did and they didn't listen? Oh in that case you are forgiven.

Hahahahahaha! It's payback time.

2010-07-27T08:42:00.001+08:00

General: Mr. President, can we call our boys home?

Obama: From where? Iraq or Afghanistan?

General: Everywhere, including Japan, Philipines, Germany, heck! everywhere sir.

Obama: Wow, this has got to be serious. I have never ever seen you without a smile and sounding so grim. Sit down please. You look as if you have just seen a devil.

General: More like The Angel of Death sir. Our death, the death of the USA sir.

Obama: Wo, wo, hold your horses general. You're making me dizzy. You would only speak this way if we were to be attacked by aliens. Why are the Martians coming?

General: Worst than aliens sir. We are done this time sir. Please call our boys back sir coz our bases overseas are in extreme danger.

Obama: Please tell me first, what is it that is making you shit in your pants general. I can't go calling our boys back home if I do not know what the danger is.

General: Sir, one more request, could you order NASA to speed up the next space shuttle trip. Make it tomorrow but this time sir, take your family and mine along. If there is space in the cargo hole, I would like to hitch a lift too. Please sir.

Obama: You are not on drugs are you general? I told you not to mix with the Mat Rempits in Malaysia, they are bad news. Now settle down, here have a cup of steaming, black, Obama coffee.

General: Not the Rempits sir, it's Malaysia. Read this sir.

Obama: Get me NASA, I want the next space shuttle to be ready for lift off in 2 hours. Oh, God, this is stressful. Why must the End always happen when a black is in charge?

General: Sir, you've soiled your pants sir.

Obama: Damn the French for this.

Is your head lowered?

2010-07-25T09:57:00.001+08:00

My dear Muslim brothers and sisters. Listen to this. He has a thing or two to teach us. In the end, ask if you are walking with your head lowered in shame? Is Allah satisfied?

Al-Fatihah

2010-07-19T10:47:00.002+08:00

To all readers, sister blogger Dalilah Tamrin of OneBreastBouncing has left us to meet her maker. To her husband, children, parents and her loved ones, please accept my condolences.

I can't write much coz I am too devastated coz I have lost a dear sister.

Finally

2010-07-15T20:50:00.000+08:00

Yahoo, finally we have made a start. Phew! What a relief. I thought I was going to have to wait years for it but finally the agony of waiting is over. Thank God.

You see a few months ago they were talking about making Malaysia a high income country. Yes, us Malaysians earning so much money that banks would turn people away because they have too much money to handle.

Wow! With the added income, of course, I would be able to afford everything that I have been dreaming off.

What? What nonsense am I talking about? Wait, wait, calm down, let me explain to you. You see I understand what is going on.

I know what the government is doing. Yes, of course there is no concrete increase in salaries yet but as they say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

You see, in a high income society it would be utterly shameful if the citizens keep on buying cheap stuffs. It is a sin for rich people to look for bargains.

People from a high income society must look for expensive things, even though, the goods they are buying actually cost very little. I mean, we Malaysians are going to earn so much that CEOs from the US are already looking for properties in Kodiang and Lahaq Yoi to relocate.

So we must make a start and the beginning is to make the prices of goods go up. Just a moment ago I was greeted with the orgasmic news that the prices of Gas, Sugar, Petrol, Diesel and whatever would increase effective midnight. Finally they have made the first move. Now we could go ut and proudly buy expensive stuffs. Just imagine the pride, buying like a high society shopper.

Now don't you go condemning the government about the increases. They don't actually need the money, they are just taking making a start. Soon they would increase the prices of other essentials like rice, transportations, meat, vegetables, breads and everything on the racks of TESCO.

Of course all these increases would be followed with increases in salaries. Just bear with the government. Maybe in about 30 to 40 years, our salaries would go north.

Oh, I forgot, when we have our increase in salaries, we would be using Rupiahs, not ringgits.

Michael Grimm, 30 ~ America's Got Talent 2010, auditions LA

2010-06-30T19:42:00.000+08:00

Has he got talent or has he got talent.

Please sacrifice for the country.

2010-06-19T00:05:00.001+08:00

Minister: I am appealing to the people to understand our predicament. Our debts are too high. Debt servicing is eating up into our budget. We have to do away with some subsidy.

Reporter: Are you implying that we don't have money?

Minister: No, I am not saying that, I am saying that we must be prudent and taking off some subsidies is one way.

Reporter: Are there any other ways?

Minister: Of course there are. We will save. All government departments must spend wisely. We will stop unneccessary meetings and mileage claims. Electricity consumptions must be reduced.

Reporter: This means that the government is serious?

Minister: Of course, this particular government is always serious. The people is always on our minds but the people must remember that by suffering for the moment with the absent of subsidies on certain neccessities in life, they are paving the way for a brighter future. The people must be willing to nmake sacrifices.

Reporter: Don't you think that this is a gamble? It might backfire?

Minister: I know the people have the country at heart. They are willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the country.

Reporter: Any last words to the people sir?

Minister: Yes, we promise that this government is a responsible government. We are going all out to cut unneccessary spending. Every sen that we spend would be of benefit to the people.

Reporter: Where to now YB?

Minister: Er, off to Putrajaya for the ground breaking ceremony of the new Parliament Building. It is the best in the world. Once completed our MPs would be able to sit in comfort and it only costs 800 million, maybe by the time it is completed it might go up to 1 billion but it is still cheap. Imagine the comfort. We are doing this for the people.

Reporter: Can you give us some details about this new Parliament Building?

Minister: I am busy but why don't you speak to that man over there?

Reporter: That one? He is your brother isn't he? Why? Can he help me?

Minister: Yes, he has the designs. He is the one who got the tender. Okay, see you.

Since we are at it .....

2010-06-15T10:51:00.001+08:00

The Old Man, the one who destroyed the country in his reign of corruption and terror, the one who simply refuses to shut up and go, tried to justify an unjustifiable by saying that, gambling has always been around in this country. Hey, what's new? Rapes, robberies, corruptions and whatnots have always been around in this country so do we go about legalising these acts?

He went on to say that the Chinese like to gamble as if trying to imply that the Malays and Indians don't. Err, Mr Old Man, how do you think Besut fell into Terengganu hands? I am sure the Sultan at that time wasn't a Chinese. Look I have lots of Chinese friends who frown on gambling and plenty of Malay friends who sleeps with a deck of cards and would suffer withdrawal if they missed their pilgrimage to the 4D, Kuda and TOTO outlets. Gambling is not a race thing, it's a human trait and would prosper if allowed to and legalising sports betting would help a great deal in it's prosperity.

Since we already have legalised horse racing and numbers betting, do we need anymore form of legalised gambling? Anyway despite legalising certain forms of gamblings, have we seen the last of the illegal gambling operators and warlords? Sadly the answer is a big NO. In fact these unscrupulous people are thriving, no thanks to the seemingly inefficient enforcement of the law. Sometimes I wonder if they, the law that is, are really that inefficient. I mean the man on the streets know where to place illegal bets but somehow the law don't. Hmm! I find that rather perplexing but let's leave that for another day.

Mr Old Man, when you said that the PR's uproar against legalised sports betting is purely political, which I believe do carry weight, the above lends credence to the many suspicions that the government's main intention in legalising sports betting is not so much to stop illegal gambling but more of a means to make money. Tell me I am wrong. Hey, even The Man himself said that quite a few billions of Ringgit would go to the treasury.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, now I know why you have always closed an eye on corrupt officials and misuse of government machineries and funds.It's because they have always been around right? Could we then legalise spitting on faces of hated senile old useless despots, who created fear in the people the rule (not lead)? This was around a long long time ago. In fact, in times of old, they even killed these despots but I am against killing, just spitting. Come on, be a sport and get your handkerchief ready.

BANZAAAIII

2010-06-09T12:59:00.001+08:00

Boss: This is too much already, I can't stand it any longer.

Machai: Yes boss, too much already, we have to do something.

Boss: Yes, how dare they attack that ship. Don't they know that there are Malaysians on board?

Machai: Yes boss, too much already boss. Must teach them a lesson boss.

Boss: Call the General here, I want to talk to him.

Machai: Ok boss, I have called already boss, I know you would want to see him.

Boss: Waa! You terer ah?

General: Yes boss, you want to see me?

Boss: Have you read this report? This is very disturbing.

General: Yes boss, very disturbing boss.

Boss: We must do something about it. Weust show the other Muslim countries that we care.

Machai: Good idea boss, not only Muslim countries boss but also Muslims in this country.

General: What do you want me to do boss?

Boss: I will declare that we will help our brothers there and you get the three wings ready.

General: Okay boss, I will get our army boys ready to be deployed.

Boss: All 3 wings, not the army only.

General: That one susah la boss. The army can la.

Boss: Why not? This is getting me angry.

General: Boss our fighters can't fly because we lost their engines and the sub can't dive and is now in Pangkor helping the Perak MB catch ikan bilis.

BB King - How Blue Can You Get (From "Legends of Rock 'n' Roll" DVD)

2010-06-05T09:29:00.000+08:00

Waa, best la like that.

2010-06-01T10:23:00.001+08:00

Man1: Woi Mat, come la sit down here, we all minum kopi and sembang-sembang abit.

Man2: You want to belanja ka? Can also.

Man1: What's wrong with the weather nowadays ha? Panas like anything only.

Man2: Everything make people panas la nowadays. Last night I lagi panas. What man, England play like shit only. Against Japan also can not play properly ka? Play like shit want to win World Cup some more.

Man1: No la, they all didn't go all out la, they all takut get injury.

Man2: No la, England no class la, I think this year, Portugal or Spain or Argentina got chance la.

Man1: Piiiiiirah, you want to bet ka? Come we bet RM10.

Man2: RM10 means go bet with school boys la, I bet already at that shop there. Sure cannot run away one because they all got licence.

Man1: They all got licence ka? You mean, now can bet legally ka?

Man2: Yes la, last time also I want to bet but takut they all run away, I get nothing, but now because they have legal betting shop, got receipt, I not afraid already. Lucky la the gomen legalise betting, no need to be afraid one.

Man1: Wa good la like this, last time also I want to bet but cannot find people to bet with me, now like this means easy to bet la.

Man2: Good la like this, no need to secretly find people to bet and haggle, just go into the shop and bet. Like that means if last time a few thousand people only bet, now at least a few hundred thousand people can bet la.

Man1: Yes la, my friends and relatives from other countries all want to migrate here already because easy to bet one.

Man2: I heard they say ah, they all planning to make electiion betting legal also. SPR will be given the licence.

Subsidies

2010-05-30T13:48:00.001+08:00

Aww, come on, are serious about doing away with subsidies? You've got to be kidding man. Hey, look at where you are now. Isn't it because of subsidies? You got subsidised public relations points courtesy of the Media, your media that is, and enjoy subsidised popularity, again thanks to the media, and you want to do away with subsidies? Ingrate!

Now listen and listen good. We have come so far to our present status so why make an about turn? I have a few suggestion of my own. This is of course for your own good, who cares about the people. Serve them right for being being a 'mere people' hah hah hah, padan muka you little people, bodoh punya orang.

Okay, what's in it for me if I gave you this life saving suggestions? Come on, I scratch your back, you scratch my balls la. You yourself told the people that if a certain someone is voted in, you would be willing to give a certain sum to keep the water from coming in.

Okay, now that we have come to an agreement here are my life savers.

1. Get friends to invest in sugar refinings. Do away with subsidies on sugar. Never mind if sugar costs RM5 a kilo. Say that you want people to consume less sugar for their own health. Do you think Malaysians would heed your 'advice'? Hey Malaysians never learn la, that's why you and your lots are still up there. The people would still consume as much sugar as they did before and your friends would be smiling their way to the bank.

2. Give to friends petrol pump licence. Say that petrol subsidy is going to bankkrupt the nation then once and for all take off all subsidies from petrol. Put a minimum price on petrol which should be 40 percent more than cost and your friends would be thanking you forever. Do you think the people would travel less? Fuck, Malaysians never learn la. At least this time we can give the Thai and Singapore governments a headache about petrol smugglings. Hee hee, serve them right. Take away those stupid subsidies from the Nelayans la. Who cares if fish would cost more or not. Do you think Malaysian would eat less fish. Fuck man, they would still be eating fish so who cares if they grumble or not.

3. Free health care is just not the way man. Charge outpatients RM30 and you would see that there would be no outpatients anymore and with that you don't have to employ more doctors. Compete with the private hospitals in terms of pricing. Charge 30 percent more than private hospitals for inpatients and you could cut down on the number of nurses and Amahs.

4. The people are too manja, do away with free education. Charge about RM500 per head per month for school fees and I can guarantee you that your 390K teachers could be downsized to just 3900 overnight. If parents complain tell them that it is their duty to educate their own children. If they can't find the time then find the money and send them to schools.

5. All roads must be tolled, even kampung ones. Give the consessions to your friends who would forever be indebted to you. Do you think Malaysians would travel less? Fuck man.

6. Where is the GST? Come on, all purchases by the people should come with a minimum of 20 percent tax. Do you think the people would buy less? Fuck man, TESCO and Giant would still be as packed as ever.

7. Bomba and Police services should be charged accordingly. Big fire 50K, small fire 49K. You could downsize the bomba force. All police reports should be charged and police house visits should cost even more. This way you could downsize the police force.

8. Now that you have made money from taxes and from doing away with subsidies, what do you do with the money? Defence man, defence. Everyone knows that the whole world is jealous of our success so we need to defend ourselves. No, don't get extra people for our defence. We need more submarines, helicopters, tanks, missiles and other weapons. Equip each personnel with at least 10 M16s, 5 bazookas, a tank and shoulder missile launchers. Buy buy buy.

New Breed

2010-05-29T20:41:00.001+08:00

Chef: I see here that you have item no 5 from many more countries now compared to last year.

Seller: Yes, yes, from many more countries and they taste differently too, maybe because of their diet.

Chef: Hmm these from China are interesting. Have their prices gone down coz last year they cost US300 a kilo why now only US150?

Seller: Oh these are from farms, the wild ones are now RM500 per kilo.

Chef: Okay, send me 5 kilos of the wild ones. These are for my choice customers, filthy rich buggers.

Seller: Okay, 5 kilos grade B ones.

Chef: What? Grade B? I thought they are the best? For US500 a kilo surely they must be the best?

Seller: Oh, so sorry, hmmm how do I tell you this. We have more expensive ones and since they are more expensive they are in the higher category in terms of price but taste wise I don't think you would like any.

Chef: What? You have more expensive ones and they don't taste nice? Is that what you are telling me?

Seller: Exactly, that's why they are not in the list but since they fall in the same item category, we do have stock but since you are my loyal customer, I would strongly reccomend that you forget about it.

Chef: Oh, I see, I think you have a new favourite customer and are purposely outpricing these choice ones.

Seller: God please forgive me if I ever have that thought, I wouldn't have told you about it if I had wanted to keep it from you.

Chef: Then tell me about it, at least to satisfy my curiosity.

Seller: Okay, they are not sold in kilos and there are only handful of them in this world. In fact they cost about a million each and these Malaysian frogs are very poisonous.

Serious and Dangerous

2010-05-26T22:53:00.001+08:00

Reporter: Mr. MACC sir, we hear that there is a report against the PM.

MACC: Oh the Sibu by-election thingy?

Reporter: Yes, that one.

MACC: Yes, there is a frivolous report made against the PM.

Reporter: Have you investigated the report?

MACC: No, we don't have the time yet.

Reporter: Then how come you call it frivolous.

MACC: Look here young lady, every report made by the opposition people are frivolous. I have been in this business long enough. Pity the poor PM.

Reporter: But still, every report needs to be investigated, right?

MACC: Yes, we know that and we are out to investigate this matter. We are a responsible commission, we will investigate every report no matter how frivolous and petty it is.

Reporter: So when do you think, you will start on this?

MACC:As soon as we have the resources.

Reporter: When do you think that is?

MACC: We have to look into really important and urgent matters first. As you all know, we have the Sime Darby fiasco. This will utilise a lot of our resources. Then we have some very disturbing cases to look into.

Reporter: Disturbing? How come we don't know about them?

MACC: That's why la, you all, you think you know everything.

Reporter: Okay la, I am sorry but could you give me a lead into those 'disturbing cases' that you mentioned?

MACC: Okay, but this is off the record, you can print but don't quote me, just say it's from a reliable source.

Reporter: Okay, I swear, I won't name you.

MACC: Do you know that last year alone we lost a staggering amount from all the Federal Government branches located in every state?

Reporter: No, I don't. What? How? Who?

MACC: Do you know that we have info that many clerks have been stealing stamps for their personal use? We estimate that the Federal Government lost about RM13K on this alone. This is bad, this is dangerous, this is serious. We must put a stop to this. Do you know that an officer in the Sports Ministry stole 12 dozen shuttlecocks for his personal use? This is outrageous. No wonder we lost in the Thomas Cup.

Reporter: These are your serious and disturbing cases?

MACC Yes, and I am sure you are as angry as I am, so you see, we have to channel our resources to these important cases first before opening a file regarding that frivolous report, but we will do it, to satisfy the people.

Reporter: When?

MACC Next month we will get a few students from University Malaya coming to do their practicals so I think I will assign these trainees to investigate this report. okay I have to go now.

Down but not out.

2010-05-22T13:28:00.003+08:00

Sam: Why you want me to resign?

Member1: You have destroyed the party. You know you are not wanted why you want to stay some more?

Sam: You think you big ka? Alright, with the powers I have as President, you are now expelled for working against the party?

Member2: Why you did that? He did not fight against the party, he was fighting you.

Sam: You also want to be expelled? Okay, I now expel you.

All: No, no you cannot do that. Now we will decide, we are giving you one week to announce your resignation or else we will call for an EGM and get you out. You know we have the numbers.

Sam: You ungrateful idiots. I made this party. I made all of you rich and now you want to sack me. Never mind, never mind, I will resign today itself but don't think you have seen the last of Sam.

All: Get out, get out, get out huuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

Sam: Never mind, I'll return, you just watch.

All: Get out la, boooo, boooo, boooo.

Sam: Hello! Ya saya la ni Samy. Saya ada dengar you orang mau satu timbalan presiden butoi ka? You angkat saya la, saya sudah kuluar MIC. Dia orang sumua menangis suruh saya jangan resign tapi saya sudah jemu la sama MIC, no future la, itu pasai saya ingat saya mau join you punya group. Sekarang you kasi saya timbalan presiden, nanti you resign punya time, saya jadi presiden la. Buleh ka........... Apa? PERKASA ambik orang Melayu saja ka? Takpa, takpa. ........

Hello, is that Kayveas? I say man, how are you ah old friend......... .

No Bite

2010-05-05T10:49:00.000+08:00

Dentist: Do you feel numb enough?

Man1: Yes, I can't feel a thing. Why do you inject so much?

Dentist: This is a major job, so many to pull out so I need to give you more.

Man1: Did the others also get multiple extraction?

Dentist: Oh yes, all of them. It's really hard work you know. Okay, that's 1 out, rinse on this please, many more.

Man1: Didn't feel a thing.

Macai: Doctor! All finish?

Dentist: Yes, finally. Do you want all these teeth? Many are still very good.

Macai: What do I want them for? I have a full set of dentures myself. Where are they now?

Dentist: In the other room.

Macai, Thanks doctor, bill us okay?

Dentist: Errr, I know times are bad, but do you think I could be paid by the end of the year? That was quite a number of teeth I had to pull.

Macai: I don't know about that, talk to my boss la.

Dentist: Somehow, I have a bad feeling about this.

Macai: Okay guys, let's go, you have an assignment.

Man2: Where are you taking us?

Macai: You'll know when we get there. .......... Okay, we have arrived, follow that man, he will take you to the meeting room.

Boss: Welcome, welcome. Please sit down. people, all 8 of you have been chosen to be panel members to probe the shooting of that 15 year old boy.

Man3: Oooh! No wonder they had our teeth extracted.

Cucu Tok Nadok, Panglima Kepala Bataih

2010-05-03T07:33:00.003+08:00

Jebon: Oi, Awang! Fuh, terer la hang.

Awang: Haaa, baru hampa tau aku terer, sebelum ni hampa dok peleceh aku, lani baru semua orang tau sapa dia Awang bin Bokceh.

Jebon: Semua orang dok cakap pasai hang la, merata aku pi depa semua dok cakap pasai hang.

Awang: Aku dah agak dah, mesti orang dok cakap pasai aku punya. Kira aku lani macam selebriti la.

Jebon: Memang hang dah jadi selebriti dah, kalah Mawi, hang lagi famous.

Awang: Tu dia, Mawi pon kalah kat aku, hahahahahaha, aku memang dah agak dah. Ntah ntah lepaih ni Najib pon nanti mai cari aku mintak otograf kot?

Jebon: Mana hang dapat idea nak bunoh TGNA tu?

Awang: Hai takkan hang tak tau aku keturunan pendekar, darah pendekar mengalir dalam badan aku.

Jebon: O! Betoi jugak, bapak hang kerja tembak anjin di pejabat haiwan kan? Memang hang ada darah pembunuh la tu.

Awang: Eh, Bon, ni aku nak tanya sikit, apa depa dok kata pasai aku? Depa dok puji aku tinggi-tinggi kot? Ada depa kata aku ni penyelamat bangsa ka, keturunan Hang Tuah ka?

Jebon: Rata rata aku pi depa dok kata, hang lembu takdak akai, budak hingusan tak tau apa, budak baru belajaq meloceh. Aku dengaq ada orang kata kat aku ada geng belah depa nak mai cari hang.

Awang: Nak mai cari aku? Pasai apa?

Jebon: Tak tau la, tapi yang aku dengaq, depa kata geng tu nak mai terajang hang.

Awang: Awat pulak? Aku tak buat apa kat depa? Takkan kot? Hang saja kata kot?

Jebon: Betoi, tapi aku tau hang mesti tak takot punya, kan hang ni keturunan pendekar.

Awang: Aku tak takot aih.

Jebon: Awat hang dok berpeloh tu? Ha, awat tangan hang sejuk pulak?

Awang: Panaih sangat lani, tu yang berpeloh tu. Ni, Bon, kalu ada orang cari aku hang kata aku takdak tau.

Jebon: Awat pulak? Kata sanggup bunuh TGNA, kata sanggup kena gantong, ni awat pulak nampak macam takot saja?

Awang: Bukan apa, kalu depa semua mai, aku takot aku terpaksa bunoh depa semua.

Jebon: TU DEPA MAI DAH!!!!!

Awang: MANA?

Jebon: La awat hang pucat? La tengok tu, basah seluaq hang. Hang terkencin ka? Aku acah saja. Awang, Awang, oi Awang, laaa pengsan.

Lari, Lari Monyet Dah Mengamuk.

2010-05-01T12:00:00.000+08:00

Alahai ada sekoq monyet Kepala Bataih, tempat lahirnya Tun Tidoq, kata dia nak bunuh Tok Guru Nik Aziz. Tergelak bulu ketiak aku bila aku baca cakap monyet yang baru belajaq melancap tu.

Yang tu dah memang perangai depa dah. Cakap punya lah gah, apa nama, seropa ketua pemuda depa tu si apa nama tu, ha, kerri. Alah Kerri Ketua Pemuda yang takdak jawatan tu. Alah takkan tak tau, Keri yang merangkap Pengerusi Biro menyemak tu?

Ni Syeh! pi la balik rumah tolong mak pak hang buat kerja di bendang tu, atau pun pi lah kutip botoi-botoi kosong, paper paper lama dan juai. Tok sah dok mai tunjuk act la sini.

Nak bunuh orang kunun, tengok kucin pun lari lintang pukang, nak bunuh orang kunun. Ni bukan apa, bila dia buat macam tu dia ingat orang nanti dok perati kat dia la, baru la cepat dapat naik, baru la cepat dapat kontrak.

Ni mangkok!!! Hang mau kontrak? Ha, mai rumah aku, aku bayaq hang tolong pam jamban yang tersumbat tu. Jangan la buat tak reti pulak, bukan hang memang kerja pam jamban ka? Alah jangan la dok malu pulak, muka hang pun macam lubang jamban, mai mai, aku bayaq.

Awang oi, mai sini sat dengaq sat cakap Pak Lang hang ni. Mak Pak hang tak beranak hang nak suruh bunuh orang. Mak Pak hang beranak hang suruh hang jadi manusia, bukan jadi monyet, yang hang pi jadi monyet tu pasai apa? Awak la gedaok sangat hang ni?

Kalu teringin sangat nak bunuh Setan, pi Putrajaya tu, sana banyak sangat sangat setan dok melewaq. Lani hang dok rumah elok-elok, tengok Astro Chanell 616. Kalu boring gamaknya, hang panggil Saiful ajak dia main masak-masak.

The Titles

2010-04-22T23:57:00.001+08:00

Boss: Hey Dol, when are you going to have the 'giving away of land titles' ceremony?

Dol: Aaah boss, there is a slight hitch la boss.

Boss: Slight hitch? What do you mean hitch? You can't even organise something as simple as this?

Dol: But boss, this time it's just impossible to do boss.

Boss: Why, the people don't want their land titles?

Dol: Not that boss, sure they want boss but ..

Boss: But what? Don't give me buts, I want action. We have to give away the titles tonight, I don't care.

Dol: But boss, we can't boss, really this time we can't.

Boss: Okay, I will try to control myself and listen then I will kick you. Now tell me why?

Dol: We can only give if there are titles to give, as it is, we don't have titles to give.

Boss: What nonsense are you talking about? Just get blank deeds and fill in the names of the people, that's all, is that too much to ask?

Dol: Please don't get angry boss, listen please before you get angry. We have given away all the titles boss. All the penerokas already have titles to their land, what title some more to give?

Boss: What? No more titles to give? How could this happen?

Dol: We give titles everytime we have elections and we have had many elections. We also give during by-elections.

Boss: But there were no by-elections here?

Dol: Yes, that I know but we gave titles when we had by elections for Bukit Gantang, Kuala Terengganu, Permatang Pauh Penanti and many more.

Boss: But those are in other places and other states, why do we give away titles to land from here?

Dol: You think we ship the people here to vote there for free ka boss?

Boss: Alamak, now what do we do?

Boss: Only one thing boss, we give all men above 21 a Datukship. Itu pun title jugak boss.

Dulu dan Sekarang

2010-04-19T09:22:00.003+08:00

PKR: Saya mengaku dulu saya minum tapi sekarang saya tak minum dah.

BN1: Saya mengaku dulu kami minum tapi sekarang kami masih minum.

BN2: Saya mengaku dulu kami curi kecil-kecilan tapi sekarang kami curi besar-besaran.

BN3: Saya mengaku dulu kami tipu diam-diam tapi sekarang kami tipu terang-terang.

BN4: Saya mengaku dulu kami sombong la jugak sikit, tapi sekarang kami tak pernah tak sombong.

BN5: Saya mengaku dulu dalam pilihanraya kami suka maki orang tapi sekarang kami maki dan pukul orang.

BN6: Saya mengaku dulu kami minta jentera kerajaan tolong kami tapi sekarang kami arah jentera kerajaan tolong kami.

BN7: Saya mengaku dulu kami bagi la sikit duit kopi tapi sekarang kami bagi duit Milo.

BN8. Saya mengaku dulu kami takut kat BPR tapi sekarang BPR takut kat kami.

Nak Tambah? Tambah la.

The Visit.

2010-04-13T10:02:00.001+08:00

Warden: Okay girls, is the place ready? Our visitors would be here soon.

Student1: Ready cikgu.

Warden: Are all your suites clean?

Student2: Yes, cikgu, housekeeping came in early today.

Warden: Please see what Chef Wan has for breakfast today? I told our visitors that we would give them breakfast.

Student3: Chef Wan said we'll have a sumptious buffet of continental, English, American and Malaysian breakfast.

Warden: Oh, god, I forgot, please run and check to see if the swimming pools are ready. Oh dear me, I hope they have the heating on, it's quite chilly this morning.

Student1: The pools are ready cikgu, I checked them myself. Ah cikgu, I tried calling you just now but you didn't answer.

Warden: Oh, how forgetful I am, please go to my suite, I think I left it at the jacuzzi.

Student4: Cikgu, cikgu, our visitors have arrived, they are waiting at the mini golf parking area.

Warden:( Clap, clap) Okay girls, girls, can I have your attention please, our guests have arrived so remember what I said at the briefing. Make sure all the airconds in every suite, and foyer and lobby are on. make sure there are pupils on standby on every floor. All elevators must have someone to aid our visitors should they need any. I want at least 10 girls working out in the gym at any time.

Captain: Good morning cikgu Murni. I am glad that you are gracious enough to play host to our girls.

Warden: Aaah, Captain Zaiton, it is our pleasure really, please do come in. As Head warden of Sekolah Menengah Kg. Jawa girls hostel, I am very proud to welcome, the ladies from the 5th Regimen of the Army Corp. Ladies don't take off your Jimmy Choos, Christian Laboutins, Manolo Blahniks and Yves Saint Laurents.

The New Strategy

2010-04-09T23:01:00.000+08:00

MP1: Boss, are you there?

Boss: Yes, I am inside the surau seeing what can be repaired and what need to be replaced.

MP1: Come quick, come quick, I think we have been cheated la.

Boss: What do you mean cheated? Did Samy cross over to the other side?

MP1: That is not cheated boss, that is a blessing, come quick la. I am at the junction to the kampung.

Boss: It better be good calling me out at this time of the night.

MP1: I am sure you would be surprised come quick, we can't hold the lorries much longer.

Boss: Okay, I'll be there in 5 minutes and remember this is a by-election so don't do anything rash.

MP1: Okay boss, we'll hold them.

Boss: Okay Mat, what is it, why are you holding these lorries.

Man1: DS, what is this your man are holding our lorries to deliver the goodies?

Boss: Yes, Mat why are you stopping these lorries. These are our gifts to the kampung people, without these how are we going to win this by-election?

Mat: But boss, you see the barang-barang first la, all used ones. Even the tar on those lorries are recycled ones. I don't know from which road they curi. See these bicycles, all use already. The tvs also sudah pakai one. See these planks, I am sure they are going to repair the suraus with used planks. We are being cheated la boss.

Boss: Come here, let's go to that tree there.

MP1: Why boss? What's the matter?

Boss: You see Mat, initially we got everything ready, everything new, then we heard that Sibu also got by-election so we change the strategy la. Where got money somemore, all habis already.

MP1: Oh, like that ka? I don't know but from which second hand shop they got all these?

Boss: No,we can't even afford to buy from second hand shops.

MP1: Then? They steal ka boss?

Boss: No these are all ours. The tar, planks and tvs and bicycles we took back from KT, Bukit Selambau, Penanti and Cangkat Jering. We lost there so we take back la. We save a lot you know.

Here we go again

2010-04-03T10:45:00.000+08:00

DG1: Mr. TPM sir, regarding the payment for project 3145, the contractors are threatening to screw my backside if they are not paid la. Please la Mr. TPM sir.

TPM: Aisay DG, you yourself know that at present we don't have any money. As it is I don't even know how the hell we are going to pay the civil servants this month's salary so you just klentong them a bit la.

DG1: How to klentong, they are screaming. I dare not even answer their calls la.

TPM: I tell you what, you tell them that they can plan any new project they want. It doesn't matter how much the projecst cost. Send to me and I'll approve. They go ahead with the construction of the new project and I will pay for all as soon as we got the money.

DG1: Mana buleh TPM? Lama punya hutang also cannot pay, want to hutang some more ka?

TPM: This is the gomen la, sooner or later we pay them la. Okay, offer them a fifty percent discount in their income tax. I'll talk to the Inland Revenue people. Okay bye, I have to go. Ahmad get the car and lets go to Hulu selangor.

Ahmad: Okay boss, the car is ready.

TPM: Hello TPM speaking, ah yes, DG of Education. What can I do for you?

DG2: Sir, about the uniform aid for this year, so many state directors have called me to enquire if we are giving free uniform for KOKO this year?

TPM: Sure, sure, surely give one. Tell them to go ahead and collect the names.

DG2: But last year's payment pun tak bayar lagi, how to get suppliers for this year?

TPM: Aisay, you pandai pandai la. Tell them this year we increase the allocation to 120 per student, that's a 20% raise. As for payment I promise to clear all in 3 months. Okay, I am busy now.

Ahmad: Orang mintak hutang lagi ka boss?

TPM: Ya la Mat, kita mana ada duit, semua dok bayar dengan air liur saja. Si Arab2 tu janji nak hantar bulan lepas tapi tak sampai2 lagi duit tu. Ntah la mat, saya rasa awak punya OT pun saya tak buleh bayar lagi bulan ni. Pening la Mat. Simpanan kita kering habis.

Ahmad: Dah sampai boss.

Penghulu: Welcome mr. TPM sir, welcome please take your seat. I know you are busy so we will call you for a quick speech and then you feel free to go round the kampung.

TPM: Tuan, tuan dan puan puan, this government is a caring government. We have always kept our promise. We will continue to give and give and give to the people. I promise you if we win this buy-election we will build 10 more mosques. On the way here, I could not see any schools so now I am announcing an immediate grant to build 5 more secondary schools, 7 primary schools, 1 vocational school, 1 SM Teknik, 10 bridges and a dual carriageway running the whole length of this kampung. We will build a 10000 capacity Indoor Stadium, an olympic size swimming pool and an IT centre with 200 computers ready with internet access. All students would be given a netbook and every home would be given a 50 inch LED tv. Thank you, thank you.

Penghulu: Thank you very much Mr. TPM, you are so generous.

TPM: Aaaah, no problem, negara kita kaya. Anyway how many thousand people are there in this kampung?

Penghulu: Actually we have only 52 people here.

Don't look up.

2010-03-30T08:52:00.001+08:00

Chief: Alright people, take your seats and lets get down to serious business. Dei! Kunjimaran, stop eating that tosai and go wash your hands now.

Kunji: Ayo, tuan sikit lagi saja la tuan.

Chief: Wash your hands now.

Kunji: Mau makan pun tak bole. Citt.

Chief: Alright people, the PM wants an immediate report about the incident with the minister yesterday. He wants to know if there was a security breach. Why did the minister suddenly started frothing and foaming and writhing on the floor of that lift.

Man1: Sir, we have reviewed the cctv footage of the incident over and over again but we have no clue whatsoever. If all could focus on the screen, there were only 3 people in the lift: the minister and his 2 bodyguards. See here, none of the bodyguards ever made any contact with him so it's impossible for them to inject anything. According to the chief of security both the guards are good people.

Kunji: Maybe the minister gila babi or what?

Man1: You shut up la kunji.

Man2: Yes, la, I was also in the viewing room last night. I think I must have played the footage a hundred times but there is just no sign.

Chief: Okay let's backtrack. Where did the minister come from?

Man4: He came straight from his house and did not stop anywhere for any food or what.

Man5: The driver dropped him at the front door of the ministry where a brief welcoming ceremony was held.

Kunji: Brief welcoming ceremony? Why?

Chief: You really bodoh la Kunji. He is a new minister what, so surely got welcoming ceremony la.

Kunji: But he sudah lama jadi minister what...... oh, oh, I see, he resign and now after he wins he sudah jadi manteri lagi satu kali la. Maybe at the ceremony got people do something to him?

Man6: No we have reviewed the cctv footage at the main entrance and we saw nothing suspicious.

Man7: Then proceeded straight to the lift.

Chief: Play the lift footage again. Haaaa! hahahahaha, I got it, I got it. This is not a sabotage, no sabotage, phew, what a relief, my job is safe.

Kunji: Apa macam you tau?

Chief: Look carefully. He walks into the lift, fidgets, looks left and right, smiles at his bodyguards and and stop! Freeze that frame. There, that's the answer.

Kunji: Apa? Where got answer? He was looking up what.

Chief: That's why la you are only an office boy. What is he looking at? Come on people.

Man3: Yes when looking up, he suddenly realises that there is a cctv camera.

Tale of the Golden Leap.

2010-03-28T18:39:00.000+08:00

Teacher: Dennis! What book did you read during the holidays?

Dennis: I read a fairy tale from the East teacher.

Teacher: What a fairy tale from the East?

Dennis: Yes, teacher.

Teacher: Good Dennis. Class this is what I want. I want my students to read books from other parts of the world. You should not confine yourselves to books from the west only.

Dennis: Is the book good Dennis?

Teacher: Oh, it's very good teacher. I love it, in fact, when I grow up I want to be like the characters in the book.

Dennis: It must be a very good book indeed that got you wanting to emulate the characters. What's the title of the book Dennis? If it was really that good maybe we could get the library to buy some.

Dennis: Tale of The Golden Leap.

Teacher: Hmm, sounds interesting. Why do you like the book Dennis?

Dennis: It teaches readers the fastest way to be successful and rich?

Teacher: It does? Why, that's amazing, maybe I should read it myself. Can you tell us how to do it?

Dennis: Easy teacher. Be a frog and leap. That's what they did in Malaysia and they all became very-very rich.

It's raining cats and dogs.

2010-03-24T11:07:00.001+08:00

BigCat: This is cat country, but look, look all around you, see how dogs are getting everything.

Cat1: Yes, you are rght, sometimes it's even difficult to get fish. We must not allow dogs to take everything. We must stop them.

Cat2: Yes, we must stop the dogs. We must let them know that this is our country.

BigCat: Look there is a dog there, let's stop him. Let's see if he can answer our questions. Hey dog, come here.

Cat3: You know this is our country right?

Dog: I thought this is my country too.

Cat3: Who says this is your country, this is ours and only ours.

Dog: I have the papers to prove that this is my country too.

Cat2: Aaaah, those papers mean nothing. Typical of you dogs, you come to our country and take everything. We are left with nothing. We have to scrounge rubbish bins while you wine and dine.

Dog: That's not true, there are many dogs living a life just like yours and they don't get handouts like you. You are lucky, just because you are a cat, you get more than us dogs. We on the other hand, have to work our butts out.

Cat1: That's because this is our country. All riches in this country should go to us first and then only to you.

Dog: But we too work very hard to make this country rich, do you think it's fair that we get nothing?

Cat2: What do you mean you get nothing? Look at your kind, you have everything.

Dog: Why do you think that is so? We work hard, we don't ask for handouts. Anyway who says you get nothing? Do you think BigCat eat out of the rubbish bin?

BigCat: What are you trying to prove?

Dog: What is your occupation sir? From what I know, you don't earn enough to live the life you are living.

Cat2: What are you getting at?

Dog: Come on fellas, don't you think that it's common knowledge that all you top leaders are not actually scrounging for a living? Everyone knows that it's the common members that are hard up. You and your advisors are not actually poor.

BigCat: It's because we work hard.

Dog: Bullshit. It's because all your riches are given to you, you don't have to work. All the riches for cats are not distributed rairy. Only you big cats get the loot while the rests are given nothing. We know that there are dogs behind most of you supposedly succesful cats. Who are there behind us ordinary dogs?

BigCat: Shut up you scoundrel.

Dog: Don't you think we know there are really huge dogs behind you? You think we don't know that you actually want to be a very big shot in the ruling committee but because of the disease that you have they could only offer you a small position, too small for you to get to the top, so, you instigate ordinary small cats and with their support the committee will have no alternative but to offer you a post near the top. Who is going to benefit most from it if not a few invisible big dogs?

Cat3: What nonsense is this. What disease are you talking about.

Dog: Have you ever watched him sleep?

Cat3: No. Why?

Dog: Dogs, cats, cows snores but he goes ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

The Neighbours

2010-03-21T10:50:00.001+08:00

Wife: Honey, honey, come here, faster la.

Husband: Stop being a busy body la .

Wife: No la, come and look, something strange is happening la.

Husband: To you, everything is strange.

Wife: This time it is really strange la.

Husband: What? Who?

Wife: Look at that, isn't that Zack?

Husband: Yes, so?

Wife: Look carefully la, isn't he in Usmanov's house?

Husband: You crazy ka? You think Mr. Pakri would allow him to go there ka?

Wife: That's why I say it's strange. What has happened? Abang, you go there la, try to korek what happened?

Husband: What you think I Lingam ka, want to korek korek all.

Wife: Ala, don't joke la, go la. Pretend la you want to borrow something, go la.

Husband: Okay la. If I don't do it, you would be bugging me the whole day. Where's my underwear, sarong and singlet?

Wife: Aya not so loud la.

Husband: Er, Mr. Usmanov, Mr. Usmanov.

Usmanov: Oh, Mr. Kaypo. Hold on a minute, I'll open the gate.

Husband: Sorry la to disturb you early in the morning like this but I wonder if I could borrow yesterday's Star?

Usmanov: Yesterday's? I have today's if you want, why read yesterday's?

Husband: No la, my son called and asked me to read a certain article. He said it concerns my company. I know you read The Star so could I borrow it? I'll return it later.

Usmanov: No problem. Honey, could you find yesterday's Star please, mr. kaypo wants to borrow it. Er, why don't you come in and have a drink or something.

Husband: Never mind la, here also can la. Errr, isn't that Zack at the back there?

Usmanov: Yes.

Husband: Why, you and Pakri are friends already ka now? I mean everyone in the neighbourhood knows that you both don't see eye to eye.

Usmanov: What? Friends with Pakri? You mad ka? Zack came here on his own. I saw him at my gate one rainy night. he was alone so I took him in.

Husband: Waa, you very good la Usmanov. Is he okay? He doesn't kacau you or what? I mean I heard from you last time that he was a trouble maker.

Usmanov: Maybe at the Pakri's he is like that la but here he is okay, very well behaved and very obedient. Hold on, Zack, Zack come here. Sit, sit Zack. Aaaaah, good dog. He barks very loud too.

Hey Zul!

2010-03-12T22:24:00.003+08:00

Hello Zul. Waa! long time no see la. Do you remember during the last elections? Yes, the 8th of March 2008. Yes, that one. You remember one day in the run up to the elections I got a comment from you or one of your people but it was signed by you begging me to canvass for votes for you? You know what I did? You don't? I did canvass for you. Why you asked? Because you stood under the PKR banner and therefore represented PR.

Well, Zul, what is this I heard that you were sacked from PKR. I heard you were quite unbecoming. Did you really say that you wanted a disciplinary committee of Muslims only? What? You did?

Waa terror la you Zul. Hmm, please hold on while I go back to your comments in my blog. Hmm, not here, not here, not here, aahhhh!!!! Here it is. Hmm let me see. Hey Zul, something is wrong la here. Yes, there is something wrong. You did not ask me to canvass for votes from Muslims only la.

What? You forgot? I'm sure you must have forgotten, what with the campaigns here and campaigns there and the many sleepless nights and taking care of your all Muslim workers and ...., What? Come again. What? You had non Muslims working for you? Oh! That's awkward.

Oh, I see, you were making use of them right? Waaaaa, clever la you. But Zul, do you think you have done the rght thing? Don't you think Islam frown on that kind of thing? What? You know better? Oh, ok,

What? You did not ask them to vote for you? What is that you just said? Why they all so gatal want to vote for you? Yes, la Zul. You got a point there la. Why they all so gatal to vote for you.
I think ah Zul, they all voted for you because you stood under the PKR banner la.

I think ah, Zul, why don't you contact the SPR and ask them for a list of all the non Muslims who voted for you la. What? How would the SPR know who voted for you? Are you really a lawyer? Why I asked that? Because that was a dumb question to ask. They did write the serial numbers against the voters' name didn't they?

Well, back to my suggestion. After you have got all the names, you go to their houses and give them a good scolding la Zul. You shout at them; you scream at them; you demand from them to know why they voted for you. You tell them real good that you don't want no non Muslim votes. You do that Zul. You shout in their faces la Zul.

Then Zul, you go to the houses of all the non Muslim members of the discplinary committee and tell them that you don't listen to non Muslims. You tell them that they are nothing Zul.

Then Zul, when you go to court, you tell all those non Muslim Judges and Magistrates that they are not fit to be judges. You tell them real good Zul.

Since you are already in full steam in your crusade, why don't you go back to all those non Muslim teachers and tell them that all their lessons meant nothing to you. You tell them real good Zul. Tell them it was the Muslim teachers who got you where you are now Zul.

Come to think of it, why don't you join Perkasa Zul. They are meant for Malays and therefore Muslims only. No Zul, you should not join PAS because they have supporters clubs. Psst! let me tell you a secret. The supporters club is filled with non Muslims only. Can you believe that. What has happened to this country.

You should join Perkasa Zul. Together you draw up a new constitution. Yes, a constitution that says that non Muslims, can't be members of disciplinary committees. Hey you should also include that they can't be judges. Heck!, why stop at that. Now you include that they should also pay for the air that they breathe because the air is Muslim air.

Now don't forget what I have just said to you and Zul, if you should meet the Perkasa people, could you do me a favour? Could you please give them the middle finger and say that it is from me. OK, see you.

black sabbath-children of the grave

2010-03-12T11:23:00.001+08:00

Need I apologise for the kind of music that feeds my heart? No, I don't have to. This is my kinda music and I simply love it. Well, I guess they are right when they coin the phrase,' you either like it or hate it'.

Enjoy.

Black Sabbath - Sweet Leaf

2010-03-03T19:56:00.001+08:00

Well fancy, I was looking up Iron Man on you tube when I stumbled upon this old memory.
My band played this song in BM High for our concert in 1973. Jalil you remember?
We borrowed Lan to play drums.
Oh yes Sweat :Leaf is supposed to mean Marijuana.

Barang baik one.

2010-02-28T09:43:00.004+08:00

Deserter: Wah lucky la I left my old party, if not how to come to Washington free of charge?

DoubleJay: That's why la. You should have joined us earlier. If you had joined us before the elections, you wouldn't have so much problems?

Deserter: Don't talk la you. If I had joined before the elections you think you all would pick me ka? Surely you pick some Gerakan or MCA fella one.

DoubleJay: Aaah, let's not talk about those things la. Let's finish our work first, then we enjoooooooooy!!!!!!!

Deserter: Hey, that barang baik also got come here ka?

DoubleJay: Sure got come la. For work and entertainment. We all, when overseas, always got fantastic entertainment one.

Deserter: That is why I follow you all here because I heard barang baik is also coming.

DoubleJay: Ok, ok, let's do our work first. Everytime they ask you question, you say AI is not good. You make stories la. I'm sure you know how to make stories.

Deserter: You don't worry about that la. I had plenty of practice when I was a sarkas party member last time but remember, tonight, I pakai barang baik first ah!!

DoubleJay: Ok la, you pakai first.

(At Night)

knock knock knock

Deserter: Is that you sayaaaaang?

BB: Yes la abang. Open the door la.

Deserter: Ok ok. Waaaaa!!! Sayang, you look simply sumptious tonight. I feel like I want to makan you right here at the door.

BB: Eh eh abang, don't be gelojoh la. Let's go in first.

Deserter: Sure gelojoh la. You janji 10 o'clock now 11 baru you datang.

BB: I was on the way here at 10 but suddenly DoubleJay grabbed me and pulled me into his room la abang. I cannot tahan him la. He smells of curut. You tak hisap curut kan?

Deserter: No no I don't like curut, faster faster.

BB: Be patient la abang. We have the whole night.

Deserter: Oh, Epol, I can't wait la.

Potong Shop

2010-02-15T12:48:00.002+08:00

Man1: Hey really ka this shop got cheap BMW?

Man2: Betoi, I tell you, just last week my friend bought a Merc for very cheap.

Man1: Then how come not many people here? If really cheap one sure got plenty of people here what?

Man2: That is because, they don't have cheap cars everyday. When got then only they will advertise secretly.

Man1: So they told you today got la?

Man2: Yes, last night they called me, they say got good barang one.

Man1: How come they sell so chep one? The cars all stolen ka?

Man2: No la stolen one they send to Thailand or Singapore, this one accident one. If got accident car, they potong la. One potong in front, the other potong behind then they sambung la, but their workmanship very good one, no one can know the difference one.

Man1: I don't care one whether potong or sambung as long as I can get a BMW cheap. Come go in.

Man2: Hey, Ah Hong, got ah the one you called me last night?

Hong: Aiya Kassim, why you so late? I just sold that one la. Who this fellow with you?

Man2: My friend la. He wants to buy the BMW.

Hong: I say sorry la, sold already. Camry got la.

Man1: Good or not? New one ka?

Hong: Sure good one. We can give you guarantee some more.

Man1: Got grant or not? Nanti I want to do road tax kena sangkut pulak.

Hong: I say, kawan, cannot sangkut one. All kow tim already. JPJ and PUSPAKOM sudah makan one. Don't worry la.

Man1: I really wanted a BMW la but Camry also can la but must see first la.

Hong: Jom lets go.

Man1: Go where?

Man2: Go see the car la.

Man1: Why not here ka?

Hong: This car baru siap only, now they all polish so still in our workshop la, come I show you, you like, we arrange everything, 2 days can take already.

Man1: Okay lets go. Far ka?

Hong: About 2 hours la.

Man1: Waa, your workshop in the jungle ka?

Hong: Yes la, where can potong in the open? Here the Camry, you like or not?

Man1: Waa! Very nice ah. Hey Ah Hong, lorry also you potong ka?

Hong: Got, but this month no lorry.

Man1: That one, so long one, not lorry ka?

Man2: Yes la Ah Hong, that one there at the back?

Hong: Aiya that one ah, my mechanics made mistake so they send back la.

Man1: Make mistake, but you say sure okay one.

Hong: If car can la but this one submarine, first time we try, all okay already, but suddenly after delivery cannot dive, so they send back la. Rugi la this one.

Man1: Waaaaaaa! Submarine potong also got ka?

Kong Hee Fatt Choy

2010-02-13T11:03:00.002+08:00

Here's wishing all Chinese readers a Happy and Prosperous Year of the Tiger.

Austerity Drive

2010-02-12T09:53:00.002+08:00

Director: Ok people, take your seats and be silent please, the minister would be here in a minute.

Minister: Good morning and please be seated. That was a nice breakfast you served and the dances were superb but I would like to to stress that we are currently running on a poor man's budget.

Officer: Meaning sir?

Minister: Good question there. From now on, I don't want all these welcoming functions with expensive makans and dances and fireworks. No more renting of canopies. We are on an austerity drive so we must save wherever we can.

Director: Do you hear that people? The minister doesn't want wastage. I told you all about this but you are stubborn.

Officer: But sir, it was you who....

Director: Shut up and don't interupt me when I am talking. Be seated and let the minister finish what he has come to say.

Minister: Thank you. From now on there will be no more overtimes. If you need to work extra, we will replace with a day off for every 6 hours of extra work you put in.

Officer 2: But, we all have a lot of commitments.....

Minister: Shut up! Don't interupt. There will no more be mileage claims. You will all be paid RM26 flat per month for mileage.

Officer 3: But even one trip could cost us more than that?

Minister: I know that is why I have ordered that there be no more courses or meetings or briefings. Use the internet. There will be no more phone bill claims.

Officer: How are we going to call people then?

Minister: Don't call them. If they need you, they call you. Use email to contact them. No more airconds from tomorrow onwards.

Director: But sir, this office is completely closed, my people would die.

Minister: Never mind, I have already allocated RM5 million to renovate this office to put in a few windows and add a few fans. My brother's company would be coming in to do the renovation tomorrow.

Officer 4: But we use up only about RM2K a month for electricity? Wouldn't RM5 million be too much?

Minister: Shut up. What do you know about economics? I know better, that is why the people elected me.

Officer: Are we going to lelong the present airconds?

Minister: No, the units will be donated to a few UMNO Bahagians and this office is responsible to pay their electricity bills. Director, reserve about 10K amonth for these.

Director: But sir....

Minister: Shut up, no buts. On my way in, I saw that the compound is just not up to the mark. The gate is old and the guardhouse is just like an outhouse. I am using RM10 million of the poor people relief fund for a new guardhouse and landscaping. My brother's company would handle that. So people, I would like to remind you that we have to serve the people and we should do that by not wasting. All allocation should go directly to the people. Any questions?

Officer 6: Sir, I hope you wouldn't see this as a waste but our toilets are old and not up to the mark. This would not reflect well on this department sir.

Minister: Oh, that's bad, that's bad. We don't want the people to think lowly of us. How many toilets do you have?

Director: 5 sir.

Minister: Hmmmm 5, ....... Okay I'll use up 30 million of the OKU unused fund to upgrade the toilets. RM5 million per toilet and the other 5 million is to upgrade the surau.

Director: But we don't have a surau sir. There's a mosque just outside the gate. Our people and visitors use the mosque for prayers.

Minister: Oh, that is a mosque outside there? No, no, I don't want our people to leave the premise for prayers. Mr Director get a 10x10 area for a surau. Of course my brother will handle this. Okay, I am done. Ahmad come lets go to the mosque outside there. I hope we could find something to repair. If there is any, I'll allocate 35 million, 34 for my brother and 1 for your second wife.

The evidence

2010-01-26T23:19:00.006+08:00

Prosecutor: Your honour, we would like to request that the remand order be extended by a week.

Judge: What? A week? When you brought these people in you said you had concrete evidence that they were involved in the arson so why do you want another week?

Prosecution: We have some loose ends to tie your honour.

Judge: What loose ends? This is a court of law not some shoe shop where you tie shoe laces. You have to convince me that you have a case and not just fishing.

Prosecution: Oh, yes your honour we indeed have a very strong case against these people.

Judge: Good to hear you say that so can we proceed with the case?

Prosecution: But your honour, we need a week to present a strong case.

Judge: Meaning right now your case is not strong enough?

Prosecution: No your honour it is very strong but we would like to make it stronger.

Judge: Why, you want to give it Tongkat Ali or Viagra? Ok, please tell me what is it that is holding you back?

Prosecution: You see your honour, we have video evidence but we need time to get the tapes ready.

Judge: What? get the tapes ready? Are you tempering with evidence? Why can't you present the tapes as they are?

Prosecution: Don't get us wrong your honour, we have sent the tapes for some cleaning that's all.

Judge: Where are the tapes now?

Prosecution. They are with a certain Mr. Cameron Mitchel. You see, we would like to present them in 3D. We already have the glasses.

Judge: Oh you mean the director of Titanic?

Prosecution: Yes, and also Avatar.

Damn the doctor

2010-01-18T10:31:00.003+08:00

I am moved to tears by this development. All this prove that I have been wrong in my opinion about this people. Oh God please forgive me for I have wronged the UMNO and BN people.

After wiping the tears of joy after reading this, I started having visions of things to come. Yes visions of more reports; visions of so many reports that police stations all over the country had to open special counters.

Amongst the reports:

1. Pemuda UMNO makes reports that government ministers and past ministers' children got special preferences in conducting businesses with government guarantees. The guarantees had to be invoked because the businesses kaputed the first day they took flight because of excessive bank loans.

2. UMNO itself makes reports that purchases of military equipments were not done above board and companies with links to ministers made huge profits without having to lift a finger.

3. MCA makes a report that government contracts were given to cronies at blown up prices.

4. A Minister in the Prime Miniater's Department makes a report that certain highly connected VIPs were and still are given immunity from prosecution.

5. The MIC makes a reports that many highways were built with bad designs and inferior quality materials.

6. A certain ex MB makes a report that state agencies were used by certain government officials to fund pleasure trips overseas.

7. UMNO, MIC, MCA and GERAKAN made joint reports that all local governments misuse state and federal funds.

8. The BN makes a report against the SPR for irregularities in the electoral rolls eversince independence.

9. The BN makes a report that Ministers misuse government machineries during all elections and by elections.

10. I myself make a report that a certain doctor had perscribed me medicines that make me lose my mental faculty thus having visions of all of the above.

SHE'S 51 TODAY

2010-01-12T08:27:00.002+08:00

Since we got married, she has celebrated, without fail, 30 birthdays with me. Yes, my lovely wife, Asma, is 51 today. Happy Birthday Ama. Oh, yes, I call her Ama, not sayang, or darling and she calls me Ajit not sayang or abang or whatever.

One of my 3 wishes, if given Aladdin's lamp, would be that she leads a long, happy and healthy life. She deserves it. You see she works fulltime as a housewife, the most underated and underpaid profession.

She is, of course, the one in the middle of the caption above. I couldn't find one of her alone, nice and recent enough, so I uploaded this caption of the 3 most important women in my life. They do look alike don't they?

Tit For Tat

2010-01-09T07:51:00.002+08:00

Ahmad: What la this gomen, always make people susah only.

Ah Seng: Hey cool down la Mat, why so angry one?

Ahmad: Sure angry la, everything they do, they make people susah only.

Ah Seng: Why what susah,tell me laaaa.

Ahmad: The petrol thing la.

Ah Seng: Why, you use motorbike only, why get so angry one?

Ahmad: That is why I get angry. I don't use much petrol but still I susah.

Ah Seng: How come? I confuse la, tell la.

Ahmad: You see ah, now they want to charge the Thai people and the Singapore people differently.

Ah Seng: Good what like that, those people always come here buy our cheap petrol. The subsidy our money what, why give to them?

Ahmad: You don't know what happen Ah Seng, you katak bawah tempurung one.

Ah Seng: What happened?

Ahmad: Now the Thai gomen very angry already. They all also want to take revenge.

Ah Seng: What? Take revenge ka? Aiyo, I not yet renew my passport la. Why they want to attack us ka?

Ahmad: No la we all ASEAN where can fight openly one? They want to hurt us la.

Ah Seng: How, how, their durian going to cost more ka?

Ahmad: Not durian la, their chicken la. I just went to Haadyai last week, pukimak, when I want to take one of their girls, they want to see my passport.

Ah Seng: Then, then what happen?

Ahmad: When they see from Malaysia, they say can put in one quarter only. If want to put in all must pay tax. Gila ka. Why travel so far to put in one quarter only?

COWARDS

2010-01-08T17:09:00.002+08:00

I strongly condemn the cowardly act of burning and bombing of churches.

No, not again.

2010-01-06T17:34:00.002+08:00

Sarg: Good morning Captain.

Capt: Morning, you've taken your breakfast?

Sarg: Not yet Tuan. I am about to, would you like any Tuan.

Capt: No, no. just had mine with Gen 1.

Sarg: Tuan, I want to apply for 3 days leave la Tuan. Nak balik kampung.

Capt: 3 days? Hmmmm, starting when?

Sarg: Next Monday Tuan.

Capt: Anybody else on leave on those days?

Sarg: None Tuan, I told them already so no one's taking leave.

Capt: Well if that's the case I guess ....... Sargeant, sargeant, come here please, what is that very weak blink there?

Sarg: What blink Tuan? Where?

Capt: There South East. It's very weak.

Sarg: I can't see anything Tuan?

Capt: It's not blinking now but I could have sworn I saw. Sarg get me the exact location of this place.

Sarg: Which place Tuan?

Capt: This one, here, exactly here.

Sarg: Hold on Tuan, let me check. It's Parit Sobrono Tuan. According to this, it's a palm oil estate tuan, nothing strategically important.

Capt: Contact the US airforce and request to use their sattelites in that vicinity.

Sarg: Tuan, the US Airforce tuan, they will be beaming live images of that particular locality.

Capt: Sarg, can you see that?

Sarg: What Tuan?

Capt: There, there, that one, what does it look like to you Sarg?

Sarg: Oh, my god. That, that, they are taking it to that, oh my god, Tuan they are stealing our submarines and taking it to the sea through that irrigation canal.

The Press Release

2010-01-05T07:15:00.006+08:00

Press Release

After extensive investigations that span all the continents and suspicious looking satellites circling the Earth and with the co operations of the CIA, FBI, Mossad and consultations with the WHO, RSPCA, Yakuza, the Pallin For President group, the World Silambam Society and also the KKK, we finally got a lead as to the modus operandi of the group that stole the jet engines.

We are glad to inform that prosecution papers are being drafted and the culprits would be charged in court on the 30th of February.

The department would like to lay to rest speculations that personnel in the armed forces are involved. After going through volumes of files, logs, Readers Digests and Mad Magazines, we find that not a single personnel of the armed forces are involved in this hideous and treacherous act.

Our own investigation teams aided by Bomoh Pujangga Salleh of Jengka 5, Shaman Mwambra of the Tipu tribe of Uganda and the spirit of Mona Fandey, finally managed to trace the culprits. Forensic evidence were confirmed by Dr. Pornthip and the department has enlisted the services of Lucas Films, Steven Spielberg, Bruckheimer and the world famous director Datuk Eusoffe Grandslam to recreate the scenes in HD, the premier of which would be aired live on Astro Beyond at the affordable booking fee of RM99.99.

We have initially booked Judge Augustinus Hackus to sit on the bench but due to his indefinite unavailability, we have decided to alleviate the just married Bungkus of Sabah to the Bench.

We urge and plea to the general public to stop further speculations and to cease making comments that may tarnish the immaculately clean image of the arm forces.

To lay to rest all doubts about this whole affair we hereby name the people to be charged,

1. Aung San Mway ( Myanmese beggar along Petaling Street)

2. Jahangir Khan ( Pakistani carpet seller in section 22)

3. Daisy Loh Poh Kee ( China Doll of Rumah Urut Syiok, Batu Pahat)

4. Sheikh Mujibur Saifol ( Bangladeshi construction worker in Melaka)

5. Bahadur Kumar (Nepalese restaurant worker in Klang).

The department would soon get the services of several interrogators from the MACC to interrogate several other suspects whose name would be randomly drawn from a chest containing the names of thousands of illegal immigrants.

Straight from my rotten heart

2010-01-03T11:21:00.002+08:00

Many may not like what I am writing today and I don't blame them for I was rather hesitant to write about this initially myself because I don't normally do it, but I have to, just to satisfy my own self for I carry a bloody heavy grudge for more than 10 years already.

I don't usually write like this about dead people but I am going to do it and to make it less painful for those who loved this man, I am going to write about it in very few words.

Well if people could not find good words for Stalin or Hitler so why should I find good words for this character. His actions may not have the kind of impact that the two afore mentioned personalities had but it impacted the country and his profession all the same.

Augustine Paul is dead and all I could say is good riddance.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T21:35:00.002+08:00

My family and I would like to wish all Christians Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. You take care ya hear!!!!

The Maintable

2009-12-23T06:26:00.002+08:00

Minah: Hai Kak Kiah, waaa you very early this morning?

Kiah: Ooo, Timah! Yes, la. got so much work to do today, you know la with the kenduri and all, don't forget to come today aah.

Minah: Sure I come one, you know la how I love a good gossip but why do you shop? You tak ambil caterer ka? You want to cook everything yourself ka?

Kiah: No la, I cater but I want to add something special for the main table. I want to serve a Kiah Special.

Minah: Ooo like that ka, I thought you want to cook everything. What you want to cook Kiah?

Kiah: I think, I want to add lobsters to the main table la.

Minah: Waaa! Lobster ka? Eh can I sit at the main table?

Kiah: Of course la Minah, without you the main table would be too sober la.

Minah: Mat! You got lobsters or not today, Kak Kiah here wants to cook something special today.

Mat: Got, got, there at that corner.

Kiah: Alaaa Mat those lobsters so small la, what would people say? Got bigger one or not?

Mat: Got Kak Kiah but that one smuggle one, where can put on display one.

Kiah: What smuggle one? Since when you do this thing all Mat?

Mat: I say Kak Kiah mau hidup la.

Minah: Where then? We all must see first, then only can buy.

Mat: Abu, you take over for a while. Come, come with me to the store. This one only for trusted people only.

Minah: Waaa! your store so big one. Eh Mat! Is that a tiger's head?

Mat: Yes, Kak Minah, the meat I sold already. This head can fetch a very good price la. You want ka? RM15K I sell you.

Minah: Don't want la, what I want to do with a tiger's head. You be careful Mat, this thing all illegal la.

Mat: Here Kak Kiah, lobsters smuggled from the Bermudas, very big an fresh.

Minah: Eh, what is inside that box Mat?

Mat: That one ka? If you want I sell it to you cheap la. My customer in the US cancel the order already.

Kiah: At least tell us what it is, if okay we buy la.

Mat: F5E spare engine. Never mind if you take this one I will throw in a submarine periscope foc. You nak bungkus ka?

The Catch

2009-12-12T07:49:00.000+08:00

MACC: Aaah, we have finally arrived home. It's been a real tiring weekend man

AG: Tiring? Yes, but, but our bounty shows the great skills that we have, don't you think so?.

IGP: Of course la, who can beat us in this game, we are the best

AG: Please, please gentlemen I admit you are good but, I'm the best in the country.

MACC: Woi, woi. who says you are the best?

IGP: Shh, shh, quiet, isn't that the PR people?

MACC: Where, where? Yes la, they have a few crates themselves.

IGP: Do you think they have been following us the whole weekend?

AG: Wait a minute, do you remember that group of people you caught sight in your binoculars? Do you think it was them?

MACC: Yes la, could be them la. Quiet, quet, act busy, they are heading this way.

Ah Kit: Hey Anwar, we should do this more often la. This is really the best weekend I've had in a long time la.

Hadi: Yes la Ah Kit I really enjoyed this weekend la. Tiring but fun.

Anwar: Hey, don't those people look familiar to you?

Ah Kit: Where?

Anwar: There those people with the crates.

Hadi: Yes la, lets go say Hi to them.

MACC: They are coming, they are coming.

Ah Kit: Hello fancy meeting you people here, you also just got back ka?

IGP: Oh Ah Kit, Anwar and Hadi, yes, yes, we also just got back. You know la, we can't be working all the time, once in a while must unwind jugak.

Anwar: Yes, we all also the same, it has been a hectic year.

MACC: What did you get gentlemen?

Hadi: Not much la, just some Baracudas, a tiger shark, a few 10 plus kilo Tenggiris and some giant kerapus. What did you get?

AG: As always, our favourite catch, ikan bilis.

Superduperpower

2009-12-06T08:11:00.000+08:00

PM: I hope you like your food Mr. Obama.

Obama: Oh, immensely I should say. The food was simply fantastic.

PM: How about you Mr. Putin?

Putin: I have never tasted food better than this in my life.

PM: Glad to hear that you love our food. How about you Mr. Jintao?

Jintao: China is known to be the best place for food but I must admit that these lobsters are the best I have tasted in my life. I must take some home.

MC: Your Excellencies, ladies and gentlemen. We now adjourn to Bilik Dahlia for the surrender ceremony.

PM: Gentlemen, this way please.

MC: We now call upon the heads of states of the USA, Russia and the People's Republic of China to come forward to read the Declaration of Surrender and sign it.

3 Heads: W,e the leaders of the USA, Russia and the People's Republic of China hereby surrender the sovereignty of our nations to Malaysia. All subjects of our country are now the subjects of Malaysia. We hereby declare our countries to be the 14th, 15th and 16th state of Malaysia with no voting power. All our citizens are now slaves to this country.

MC: Please sign your respective declarations.

PM: I am glad that the leaders of three of the most powerful nations of this world could see the futility of being enemies with Malaysia. Gentlemen, you could now leave and tell the people of your countries that they are now effectively Malaysians.

DPM: I salute you la PM. That move of yours was brilliant la. Just one decision brought them down to their knees. Now they know not to mess with Malaysia.

PM: Yes Din. I am glad we bought the 2 subs. See how they shiver at us now that we have 2 submarines? Hahahahaha. Do you know that we caught the lobsters we had for dinner with one of the subs?

Hah Hah

2009-12-04T22:47:00.001+08:00

MACC: Err, Datuk Seri please have a seat. Please sit down, never mind, it's okay.

DS: Err, I would rather stand.

MACC: Why are you so jitery, we only want to ask you a few questions that's all.

DS: Go ahead, all the same, I would rather stand.

MACC: We are your friends DS, relax.

DS: Could you tell me how high up are we?

MACC: We are on the 9th floor, so about 90 feet, why?

DS: Nothing, could I stand over there please. I am afraid of heights so standing next to this glass wall gives me the creeps.

MACC: No problem Datuk, please sit anywhere you want.

DS: It's okay, I'll stand here next to this brick wall. Are you sure this wall is actually made of brick?

MACC: Don't worry Datuk, it's solid. So can we begin the questioning Datuk?

DS:Okay, ask what you want.

MACC: Do you know Takselamat Ali Money Changers?

DS: Nope, haven't heard of that guy from Seremban.

MACC: How do you know he is from Seremban?

DS: Okay, okay, yes I know him..

MACC: We have reports that say you used Takselamat to transfer 10 million ringgit to England.

DS: Yes, that is true, why I cannot send my own money overseas ka. It's my money so I should be allowed to do what I want with it.

MACC: Yes, we know you have the right to do what you want with your money but we are interested to know how you made so much money.

DS: What! You call 10 million a lot? Anyway, I earned the 10 million.

MACC: You have not been a state CEO that long DS, your salaries couldn't add up to that much.

DS: I know, but my wife sells goreng pisang in the evening and my children sell nasi lemak in school and in college. I also give English tuition when I am free.

MACC: DS, you expect me to believe your story?

DS: What time is it now?

MACC: 5.10pm.

DS: Hah, hah, it's past office hours, you can't question me anymore. Sorry got to go.

The Holiday

2009-11-22T14:53:00.001+08:00

Ah Seng: Hey Ahmad ah, where you want to go? Why got so many balang one? You want to imigilate ka?

Ahmad: Aiya Seng, where got immigrate, this is my country what, your country oso. No la I want to go to Sabah la, long time never take my family for holiday there one.

Ah Seng: Wah! You cuti cuti Melaysia ka? Good la, take family go for holiday. I choose a cheaper holiday for my family la. Just bought a house so cannot spend so much for holiday.

Ahmad: Never mind one Seng, where you go oso still the same one, still Malaysyia jugak what. I go to Sabah because my brader got work there one, so can stay in his house, no need to spend in hotel.

Ah Seng: Ah good, good, in bad times like this we must save for the lainy day one. I thought you oso got blader in Johor, why you no go there? There oso good what.

Ahmad: Aiya, last year I go there oredi so this year go Sabah pulak la, some more my brader want to take me to one place very special. He say, this one very difficult to find one.

Ah Seng: Wah, got special thing there ka? What ah?

Ahmad: There you see in The Star today.

Ah Seng: Aiyaaa! This one ka, I oso want to see this one with my family one. My children eveliday kacau me want to see but no need to go Sabah one. That is why my family going to Putrajaya for holiday.

The Implication

2009-11-20T07:35:00.001+08:00

Samdol: Hey biol, what are you doing here selling air tebu? Why, you are helping someone out ka?

Biol: No la dol, I am doing this as part time job la.

Samdol: What! Part time job? You must be joking.

Biol: No Dol, this is for real.

Samdol: You know what's wrong with you?

Biol: What?

Samdol: You are simply too greedy la.

Biol: What do you mean greedy?

Samdol: You already have so much money and yet you are still looking for more.

Biol: No Dol, you got it wrong. Yes, I HAD so much but not anymore. I have sold off my Accord coz can't afford the instalments and I have sold the bungalow also because of the instalments.

Samdol: Why? They potong your gaji ka?

Biol: No they did worse than that, they don't give us overtime anymore.

Samdol: You mean all your wealth, is,, or rather was because of overtime?

Biol: Yes la Dol, my pay is just the same as any other government servant's but my overtime is, er, was fantastic but now no more.

Samdol: Oh I see, the economy must be really bad that even the government is cutting back on OTs.

Biol: No its not because of the economy, it's something else.

Samdol: Something else? Er, if you don't mind me asking, though we have been friends for sometime now but in which department do you actually work?

Biol: The MACC, Interogation department.

The Appeal

2009-11-18T08:11:00.001+08:00

This Court hereby overturns the ruling made by the High Court on the 16th of November 2009

Dated

15 November 2009.

ALHAMDULILLAH

2009-11-11T10:01:00.001+08:00

If my post "A Belated 30th Anniversary Present'' was a post written in jest and was meant as a swipe at the administrators of the country's billions, this post today is the real deal.

Yes, dear readers, today marks a milestone in my life, the life of a ordinary Malaysian teacher; the life of a typical Malaysian, but today makes this very ordinary Malaysian feel a little bit special. Alhamdulillah.

Exactly today 30 years ago I married my darling wife. Yes, 30 blissful years have passed and along with them we were responsible to add 3 new citizens to this country. I could say that I am lucky to not have many memories that I would rather forget. Alhamdulillah.

She is amazing really and I owe her a lot for 30 years of sheer joy. It's experiencing 30 years like this that makes me thank ALLAH I was born. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back over the years surely the birth of my 3 lovely angels were the highlight of my life followed of course by the countless days hours of sheer ecstatic joy. Alhamdulillah.

We have been a close knit family ever since we were a family. We still congregate on my bed in my little cosy bedroom, all the 5 of us, and tell stories, share experiences, make fun of each other, and I being the so-called Patriarch, am not spared. Alhamdulillah.

Though my children are all adults now, we still go out together a lot. Of course they have their own life to lead and I give them all the freedom to make their own decisions and to learn from their own mistakes which I am happy to say are not many and very far in between. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you ALLAH for blessing me with this wonderful woman for a wife and my 3 lovely babies. I must have done something good in life to deserve such a wonderful blessing from you. Alhamdulillah.

How I wished that I could see 30 more years of blissful life with her and them. InsyaAllah.

Immoral

2009-11-08T15:27:00.001+08:00

The Star reported that leakage in government spending is so bad, that overpayment could reach RM28 billion this year and a few days after that someone said that CUEPACS's claim of bonus is immoral.

Phhhh! PKFZ, which puts millions into the pockets of those who already have millions is not immoral; asking for bonuses, which puts a minimum of 1K into the pockets of those who owe Bank Rakyat many years wages, just to live, is bloody immoral.

I wonder how much would a month's bonus cost the treasury? Surely it could not be 28 billion? Correct me if I am wrong, the term overpayment, as far as I know it, is something like paying 400 ringgit for a 100 ringgit table; paying 2 million per kilometer for a 500K per kilometer road; buying an aircraft for 100 million which other countries pay about 25 million or worse still paying 40K for a 3K computer.

Shit, after going through all of the above, I am convinced it is CUEPACS that is immoral. Why? Because, Utusan, Berita, NST, The Star, TV1,2,3,7 and 9 said so. Come on they can't be wrong. After all, they are institutions of high intergrity.

Oh yes, I wonder if travelling first class for a holiday in Disneyland with the extended family is not immoral (forgive the double negative).

A belated 30th Anniversary Present

2009-10-24T12:33:00.001+08:00

The other day I saw an advert for an decent condo and it screamed 600K. Well I guess the amount's not too much to pay for a condo in hugely over-priced Penang. Anyway it has got a trully magnificent view of the sea and Penang Bridge and if I am lucky, with a good pair of scopes, on a bright moonlit night, I could spy on amorous couples doing contact yoga and practicing their Kamasutra positions behind some of the bushes overlooking the block.

I would really love to get my hands on a Honda Accord. No not the 3.0 machine, a simple 2.4 one would suffice but do you think 200 big ones could land me one of those mean machines? Anyway, I have budgeted a maximum of 200K for wheels. My 5 year old Proton Wira Aeroback is just too old for a Malaysian car.

Oh, I forgot, I budgeted a further 200K to furnish the Condo and get me another covered parking lot. I think I'll get me a 60" new-crazed LED TV and a good home theatre to watch all those sci-fi blue ray discs which I had long intended to buy. Yes, only originals would do. A few smaller LED tvs for the other rooms and some very comfortable sofas, and other needfuls and the extra covered parking lot would put the lid on my furnishing expenses.

A nice 2 week cruise cum holiday to nowhere for 7, first class all the way that is, would eat into my budget a bit but what the heck, you only live once.

I have also budgeted about up to 400K for a mini cinema which will screen reruns in the day time and porn at nights to ensure that I have enough money to pay for the service fee for the condo.

Whatever little left would be spent on brand new mobile phones, a good video camera and of course a high-end gaming desktop to play solitaire.

All in it would cost me about 1.5 million and at the current exchange rate, it is just nice. Now the biggest stumbling block would be how do I pay for all these in Ruppiahs because that's the amount the 500 Najib is giving us DG41 to DG54 servants of the people in January, would fetch.

Hopefully the Ruppiah does not pick up strength against the Ringgit, at least till after we get paid. I promised my wife a belated 30th anniversary present and now I am in the position to give her more. Anyway, my wife and I would be celebrating our 30th anniversary on the 11th of November. You can send your gifts through the boss of the MACC who would vet them and certify clean and not meant to corrupt. Don't you know tackling corruption is an important theme of this year's budget?

The Expert.

2009-10-22T20:41:00.001+08:00

Ah Chong: Good afternoon doc, long time no see, you must be very busy lately?

Doc: Yes la, even my wife is complaining, this inquest is taking up too much of my time la.

Ah Chong: Yes la doc, how come still not over yet? What's taking so long?

Doc: It should be over by now but those people want to bring in a foreign expert as if local experts are not good enough.

Ah Chong: But doc, I saw a programe in Astro about her and her works, she is good la.

Doc: I know she is good and experienced but this is a straight forward case. I could conduct the autopsy with my eyes closed.

Ah Chong: Well did you?

Doc: Did I what?

Ah Chong: Conduct the autopsy with your eyes closed?

Doc: No la that was a figure of speech only la, what I mean, is that the case is no big deal. One more thing, as much as I respect her, I think this time she got it wrong la. The other doctor and I concur on suicide and she comes to suggest that it was homicide.

Ah Chong: Maybe she saw something that you all did not see?

Doc: No, impossible, we scrutinised every inch of the body and the scene. We are also very experienced people la.

David: Dad, dad, come quick, come faster dad, its Rover, dad come quick dad.

Ah Chong: Hey that is my son David. Something must be very wrong, lets go see.

Doc: Yes la, he seems to bde in distress, lets go.

Ah Chong: What's wrong son, what happened? Oh noooooooo! What happened to Rover? Where's his head?

David: Dad, Rover's dead dad, someone killed him. Look, they cut his head and hind legs off. Who could do such a thing dad? Oh no, Rover, Rover.

Ah Chong: Oh, God, Rover, why would anyone want to do such a thing to you?

Doc: Now, now, now. Ah Chong, David, compose yourselves. I am sad too with what happened.

Ah Chong: Doc, who could have done such a thing? Rover is such a good dog. He hardly barks at anyone, why would they want to do such a thing?

Doc: Let me see if I could find some clues that could help us find out what actually happened and who are the perpetrators of this hideous crime.

David: Please la uncle, please help us find out who did this.

Doc: Hmmm, hmmmmm, Huh! a machete, this must be the weapon used. See how fast I found the weapon? I am such an experienced man and still they want to bring in a Thai expert.

Ah Chong: Please la doc, leave the inquest alone and look into this. I want to know who did it. They killed him with my own machete. That machete is mine.

Doc: Don't worry Ah Chong, David. You can rest assured that I will get to the bottom of this. Hmmm, look at this trail here, it leads to the roof. Hah! I got it, my god, am I good or am I good. I have solved the case. Look here at this trail, it leads to the window of that room up there.

Ah Chong: Yes la doc, do you thing the killers got into the house and got into the room to kill Rover?

Doc: No, no, don't jump to conclusions. I have years of experience. This is how it all happened. Rover was chained near your garage right?

Ah Chong: Yes, just next to the garage.

Doc: You kept the machete in the store in your garage right?

Ah Chong: Yes, how do you know?

Doc: I am trained in all these remember. You see, from all the evidence that I gather here and I am 100 percent sure that Rover, broke loose from his chains, got into your garage and took out the machete. He then ran upstairs into that room and jumped down. On the way down, he used his front legs to sever both his hind legs and just before hitting the ground, he used the same legs to completely sever his head off. There you are. No need to blame anyone, it's SUICIDE.

HAPPY DEEPAVALI

2009-10-16T14:44:00.001+08:00

TO ALL READERS OF THIS BLOG, ESPECIALLY THE HNDU READERS, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY AND BRIGHT DEEPAVALI. DRIVE HOME SAFELY YOU HEAR.

Sale

2009-10-13T07:59:00.001+08:00

Wow, the British government, so desperately in need of money, is planning to sell state assets! This recession must be really bad for a once superpower with bank vaults all over the world to resort to asset off-loading to get cash. I wonder if the British civil-servants will be getting a bonus this year?

Hey, talking about bonuses, we in the civil service in this country have not been promised any bonus this year and come budget day, no one has been talking about the subject that got many civil servants tuned in to their local channels every year.

Do you seriously think civil-servants crowd round the tv set to know what fiscal strategy the government would be employing when the Finance Minister rattles on and on on Budget Day? Do you seriously thing that the Finance Minister actually knows what he is talking about when he rattles on on that day?

Do you seriously believe that civil servants cares if its going to be a balanced budget, a deficit budget or a surplus budget? Heck civil servants don't care. All they care about is that will there be a bonus for them come year end.

I don't blame them really because whatever gains acquired through all those pay revisions that they got has been taken care off by the local sundry shops and gas stations. In fact, all those revisions couldn't stop them from having a deficit budget of their own.

Okay so Big Mama's husband gave a RM500 bonus recently to non-graduate civil servants so what is the big deal. A boy in my school recently opened up his purse to show off RM100 so what is a RM250 x 2 bonus really worth?

Now let me give the government a lesson in economics. We could always copy others and today lets copy the British Government by stripping off state assets to give us civil-servants not just a 2 months bonus but also a 30 percent pay raise then we could all rush to the nearest stores to do our shopping and inject life once more to our fast sleeping shopping malls.

No, my plan doesn't involve selling assets of money making companies. I am thinking about letting off assets that have been lying idle and doing nothing good for the country and if you could count brains as assets then I would suggest that for starters we sell our cabinets ministers brains but then I don't think that is a good idea because all those brains would not fetch much.

So Malaysia what do you have to sell? Hah I know, lets start with the lake in Putrajaya. I know of some unemployed, no make it many unemployed graduates who are willing to start a cat fish rearing project and with the AFC channel on Astro being so popular, I heard the demand for duck meat is great so they could reserve a corner of the lake for duck rearing.

What about Gunung Kinabalu? If you charged 10000 climbers RM1000 each you would only get about 10 million and that amount wouldn't do much to even cover the cost of maintaining the mountain so why not sell it? Since we are so fond with getting our names in the Guinness Book of World Records, this transaction would surely make it into the book as the biggest structure ever sold.

I would also recommend the Rajang River, Fraser's Hill and the PKFZ but it would take too long to explain my justification so why not you readers recommend something because we really do need the bonus and pay raise soon and judging by the alarming death-rate of our MPs and ADUNs, I am sure the government is also interested in this money spinning initiative because buy-elections are not cheap you know.

Wait, wait, what about bank accounts?

The Return

2009-10-02T10:52:00.001+08:00

Machaius: Hail, The Thane of Banus Pinangus, your humble servant bringeth heavenly news from the steps of Putrus Jayus.

Isaus: Speaketh, good servant, loyal warrior, for our heart raceth as fast as Hamiltus in Singapus. What tiding doth thou bringeth from the steps of Putrus Jayus that paints such joy in thy countenance?

Machaius: Rejoice oh Prince of Baganus for our delegation, after encountering the soldiers of the Villain Matus Hassanus fought so bravely that the Gods of Putrus Jayus was left without a choice but you oh Lord of the land Pinangus.

Isaus: Is it true these words that you say oh valiant servant of Baganus? Is it true that the soldiers of Hassanus hath surrendered?

Machaius: Yes, my Lord, as true as that Old Fool Kuttyus hailed from the sub-continent no matter how he denyeth. Once faced with our relentless onslaught and continued threats that Baganus Pinangus would be lost if my Lord is not picked, the Gods relented much to the dismay of the of the weakling Hassanus who ran to sulk at the laps of the scrawny Kuttyus.

Isaus: Rejoice, my servants, rejoice for We, the Lord of Baganus Pinangus will reign once more. Go, go seek which parcel of land in this Land of Nine, thou desireth for thou deserveth it.

Machaius: My Lord, your humble servant wants very little for himself because his effort is to see that my Lord once more sits on the Throne that rightly belongeth to him, the Throne that was untimely robbed from him by the teacherous old lepers of the Disciplinary Committee. If it pleaseth my Lord could thy humble servant ask for an insignificant parcel of land of only 5 hectares each for each of his 15 children, 3 wives, 4 brothers, 3 sisters one mother, one father, 3 mothers-in-law and 3 fathers-in-law?

Isaus: What?, Parcels so small for my valiant warrior? Go, scour the Land of Nine and take whatever they desireth for thy Lord The Great Isaus Thane of Baganus Pinangus is back.

What Sponsorsip?

2009-09-27T13:33:00.001+08:00

Wow! We are not only hosting F1 races, we are actually going to have our own cars participating in these races and if we learned fast enough, which I am sure we would, we could even do some crash stunts just to decide the outcome of some races.

Now, not bad eh, we could be the hired killers of the F1 races. If Renault is afraid that Ferrari would win they could always approach the 1Malaysia team and we could arrange for a certain Epol to drive one of our machines and at a crucial time he would apply the brakes and screams in ecstasy as the Ferrari driver rams into his butt.

Now with a strategy like that we really don't have to go looking for big sponsors do we? I mean if Epol's butt got a little bit too sore from the ramming we could always get the old pro AA.

No I am just kidding you, we do need some serious sponsorship coz the coitus interruptus of a PM said that the treasury aint gonna put in any money into this. No, they aint gonna sponsor this coz they have plenty of 1km long kampung roads to build at RM1 million a piece and Bagan Pinang needs to resurface that stretch of kampung road that they had just finished resurfacing yesterday.

Since participating in these races is going to cost a bomb and all the C4s were used up, where do we go looking for money without the people screaming? I mean, if you were to get Petronas to sponsor, the people aint gonna be too happy; If you get MAS to sponsor then where would MAS find the money to pay their staff? The same goes to all GLCs.

Not to worry, I heard Tony has got a whole line of sponsors ready and come race day, Epol and AA would gleefully grease up their arses for some much overdue whackings.

I heard they are going to pass a law that all vehicles badly battered up in road accidents, and thank god we have plenty of them, would be handed to the 1Malaysia team to build new machines. I am also told that Proton has promised to donate 20 percent of their stockpile of Milo tins to this cause.

Fung Keong has graciously agreed to donate their rubber scraps from their shoe factories to make tyres. Kayu Nasi Kandar has come in with a sponsorship deal to feed the crew all year round thanks to the cheap purchase of raw materials they got from a closed Nasi Kandar joint in Perth Australia.

Allagapa's would be paying quite a lot to have their name on the mufflers and Pulau Aman Belacan would be prominently carried on the driver's helmet.

At the time of typing this post, I heard 3 groups of Ah Longs are killing each other to get their names on the right door and the morgues in KL, Johore and Penang are filled to testify to this. The right door would carry a certain lawyers catch phrase "Corect, Correct Correct, The System Fixer" and I heard he got the space for a song. The song is Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdick.

Well that's all for today folks, until I get further updates, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Revised, Improved and Humane

2009-09-26T08:53:00.001+08:00

I knew it, these people are not all that bad. Somewhere in that smelly chest cavity there is a heart. They have promised to do it and now they have shown that they are serious about it. They have proven that their promise is not merely lip-service.

Yes, soon they are taking to Parliament and spanking new ISA and since they are the majority I am sure it would be passed albeit with a little bit of noise from the opposition.

I heard, its going to be radical, very-very improved and definitely humane. being privy to the content of the revision I am all too happy to divulge the contents of the revise act.

1. Only an Inspector and above could arrest.

2. A detainee must be transported by a Proton Waja or above. No kancils or Black Marias.

3. The arresting officer must cover the steel ring of the handcuff with a handkerchief so as not to hurt the detainee.

4. A detainee will be fed thrice a day and an extra meal on public holidays.

5. Ketupat and rendangs must be served on Hari Rayas, roast turkeys during Christmas, banana leaf rice during deepavalis and Dim Sum during Chinese New Years.

6. Family members will be allocated an extra 5 minutes during visits.

7. Detainees will be allowed to watch the Chua DVD every weekend and the Viji tapes every Wednesdays.

8. Detainees would be allowed a 10 minute karaoke session every month.

9. During interrogations, detainees must be given made in Singapore chewing gum.

10. All interrogators must smile during interrogations.

12. All interrogation sessions must not last more than 23 hours and 45 minutes.

13. Cells must be bright and pleasant with portraits of smiling Cabinet members adorning the walls.

Priority

2009-09-22T08:13:00.001+08:00

Press Statement

We have finished our investigations into the PKFZ affairs and are glad to announce that the MACC has found no evidence of wrongdoings in any of the dealings. In fact, it was found that everything was done very transparently. All dealings were done in accordance to the law.

As from today the MACC has d4ecided to close the files in the PKFZ affairs. As for the complaint lodged against the former Menteri Besar of Selangor, after exhaustive and very thorough investigations, the MACC also found no irregularities in his trip to Disneyland, and his purchase of the small landed detached hut. We found that all dealings were conducted above board. We would also like to congratulate the former menteri Besar for being a clean and incorruptible leader.

The MACC would also advise the former Menteri Besar to lodge a report against those who had intentionally tried to sully his impeccable image. If such a report is made, we would personally request the police to hand over the investigations over to us and we will conduct a thorough investigation, as thorough as the investigation in the TBH case.

We would also like to inform the general public that we have begun investigations into the Open House of the Selangor Pakatan Rakyat Government. Initial investigations have unearthed the following very serious inrregularities.

1. The Open House started 10 minutes early and ended half an hour late.

2. Exco members were believed to have also eaten food meant for the public.

3. Cordials served were not sweet enough and paper cups and plates used were not made from recycle materials.

4. The female singer performing was found to be scantily dressed. We have photographs that show her exposed ankles.

5. No Penans from Sarawak were invited. We believe this is done to sabotage the PM's 1Malaysia campaign.

6. 3 curry puffs were found to be 2 mm shorter and 1 gm lighter than the what is in the invoice.

7. All curries were cooked using Alagappa's curry powder instead of Adabi. This is an act to sabotage Bumiputra businesses.

8. The lawn was not properly mowed. The grass was found to be 3cm longer than the permissible height.

9. The MB did not change his Baju Melayu every hour as is required by National protocol.

10. None of the waiters and waitresses employed could speak German, Spanish, Russian, French and Italian which would put us in bad light in the eyes of European tourists.

11. Guests were allowed to have second helpings which is a waste in current hard times.

12. Irregularities in the invoices where many 'T's were not properly crossed and 'I's not properly dotted.

In view of this serious development, we hope to be able to complete our investigations soon and a final finding would be announced on the 29th of September in Bagan Pinang, Negeri Sembilan.

This post is inspired by Bakaq - Penarik Beca's post here

One Helluva Raya

2009-09-21T09:18:00.002+08:00

Ever since my suddenly illness about 2 months ago, I have been quite careful with what I eat. I don't know though how long this will last. Anyway, if last year we had dry mutton curry, mutton dalca, beef rendang and chicken, this year its only chicken.

I have been avoiding red meat. No, I did not abstain from red meat completely but, to not make me gobble up, we (the kids and the missus) decided not to cook any.

This morning, breakfast was just ketupat and 'ayam masak cabai'. Don't be fooled by the 'masak cabai' part because it was not hot at all. I can't take spicy hot stuff because of my gastric problem. I know I should abstain from ketupat pulut and maybe just take Capatis or Roti Benggali instead, but common, give me a break man, raya comes only once a year and I am not the kind who celebrate it the whole month. I celebrate only for one day and then its back to normal.

After the usual sembahyang raya ritual, before we headed to my brother in law's place, we had a family photo taken. Actually it was many photos coz my daughters are both photo freaks.

Early on, it was just a mundane raya. After the visit to my bro in law's house, we went over to my sister in law's house spending about only half an hour at each, then it was back home and that was raya for me, or so I thought.

In the evening, though, things started to heat up. Blogger Razlin of Att ack of The Skym! came over. Actually my sister and her family from Shah Alam came first and a few minutes after that Razlin arrived. We were just about to warm up with talk on the present political situation when my brother from Taiping with his 5 grown up children came over together with the family of my late brother complete with grandchildren.

Now this is what I call RAYA. With family and friends around, it was a riot. Razlin left but not before updating me on his latest project. He truly is a sweet young man, very respectful to elders. I must congratulate his parents for bringing him up, right.

Then it was more politics with my nephew from UMNO also in attendance flanked by me and my brother in law from Shah Alam who are both hardcore opposition people and my brother who leans more towards the opposition.

Well, anyway, we chatted busily but with our eyes always on the clock coz the Manchester Derby was the main attraction of the night. My eldest daughter, a Manchester United diehard had to follow her husband, a Liverpool freak, to her in laws in in Parit Buntar so she wasn't around for the match but she kept connected with us with every goal scored and there were 7 last night.

My son and youngest daughter who are also Manchester United fanatics kept me company. We were vocally supported by my 2 Man Utd loving nephews from Shah Alam and my brother. My brother in law was the odd one out. Sad to say, some people do make poor choices like supporting the scousers from the land of The Beatles.

Anyway the match was actually the highlight of the Hari Raya yesterday. We stopped for some ketupat at the half time whistle and when Owen scored the winner in the 96th minute, I could have sworn the roof almost caved in. Wow! What a raya.

Anyway these are some from this year's raya raya album. Until next time, have a good time ya hear.

The whole family.

Come the 11th of November we would be celebrating our 30th anniversary.

The original family minus the scouser lover. No, the missus is not into football but we gave her a team: Newcastle.

Selamat Hari Raya

2009-09-17T10:41:00.003+08:00

To all Muslims, Selamat Hari Raya Idil Fitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin.
Drive carefully and we meet again after Hari Raya.

Kartu Penuh Hikmah Alhabib

Perbahasan

2009-09-15T10:26:00.001+08:00

Di Persidangan MIC baru-baru ni, perwakilan berbahas dengan spirit 1Malaysia. Semua bersetuju berbahas dalam pantun sebab nak memertabatkan Bahasa Malaysia.

Perwakilan 1
Saya manyak jauh, Dublin Estate jugak mari
Sini mari meeting mau kasi kuat itu MIC
MIC bole mati kalu tadak itu Samy Datok Siri
Kalu dia mati kasi ganti sama Vel Paari

Satu worang tua paper dalam ada kata
Dia kata saya punya Datok Siri manyak celaka
Dia kata Datok Siri tadak buat kerja
Saya rasa mau gantong selipar dia punya dada

Perwakilan 2
Apa pasai mau marah sama itu worang tua
Memang butol itu Datuk Siri manyak celaka
Dulu miskin muka surupa macam kera
Isekarang satu family sudah kaya raya

Itu Subramaniam baik punya worang
Sini sana dia kirja siang malam
Itu Mica punya duit dia tadak kasi hilang
Sama dia saya manyak sayang

Perwakilan 3
Cit, cit apa ada guna ini Samy sama Subra
Dua, dua cakap saja manyak tapi tadak kirja
Saya punya mata saya ada nampak satu calon saja
Ini MIC punya dalam kasi Sothi jadi Raja

Itu Sothi suda lama saya ada kawan
Sama Samy pun dia ada berani lawan
Kalu MIC punya dalam dia sudah tawan
Gerantee Najib sama Sothi bule minum kopi satu cawan,

Perwakilan 4,
Saya tadak puduli isekarang saya manyak marah
Sumua ini pemimpin surupa saja cekek darah
India punya worang dalam estate jugak hidup susah
Itu pemimpin siang malam minum, enjoy pooodah,

Isekarang saya mau tau berapa wang Samy ada
Subra sama Sothi, Palanivel pun surupa juga
Dia worang punya duit sumua kasi jumla
Sama manyak sama sumua worang India punya juga

Perwakilan 5
Sumua worang jangan cepat marah mari
Relaks relaks juga kasi manyak senang hati
Isekarang sumua cakap manyak panas macam api
Nanti kopi duit dapat diam macam takot bini

Saya cadang ini macam sama sumua ahli MIC
Ini parti kasi tutop kasi bunoh sampai mati
Isekarang kita balik pigi jumpa anak bini
Esok ramai-ramai join UMNO di PWTC

Datuk Siri ada cakap.

2009-09-11T18:19:00.001+08:00

Reporter: Datuk, apa komen Datuk tentang peluang "President's Men" dalam pemilihan party yang akan datang ini?

DS: Ehem, ehem, please ah, saya Datok Siri tau bukan Datok saja. itu Datok Siri sikit atas pada itu Datok tau. Lain kali sikit kasi baca saya punya biodata tau jangan jadi surupa itu wartawan tatau Karpal Singh apa party mari. Wokey, Saya punya calon-calon sumua bagos punya worang tuntu minang punya. Dia worang tadak surupa itu Subra punya worang, tadak kelas punya.

Reporter: Jadi DS confident, orang-orang DS akan menang?

DS: Sudah tuntu minang punya. Saya misti kasi menang punya. Surupa hari hari itu matahari sana timur punya dekat ada naik punya, tuntu minang.

Reporter: Tapi Dr. M ada buat kenyataan yang nampaknya tidak menyokong DS? Tidak kah ini akan mempengaruhi minda perwakilan?

DS: Dr M? Sapa itu Dr.M? Dr Muniandy ka? Apa dia itu Tohan ka? Saya sapa? Saya Samy, surupa Tohan jugak la itu Samy. Apa pasai dia mau tarok dia punya busar punya hidong dalam saya punya party punya hal? Saya tau dia India jugak mari tapi apa pasai dulu dia tamau join MIC? Apa pasai dia join UMNO? Sudah join UMNO jaga UMNO punya hal la. Jangan kasi campor MIC punya hal. Busuk punya orang tua.

Reporter: Tapi mungkin kah kenyataan Dr M akan mempengaruhi perwakilan nanti?

DS: Cit cit cit, tadaaaak la. Itu perwakilan sumua tau sapa itu Dr M? Orang sakit perot pun dia tak bole kasi ubat apa punya Dr ini? Dr ayam ka? Itu perwakilan sumua tau Dr M tadak bikin apa pun sama worang India ini negeri punya dalam, dia worang sumua binci sama itu Dr M. Dia worang sumua manyak sayang sama saya jugak. Mana saja saya pigi, dia worang menjerit, Samy, Samy, Samy, we love you. Saya manyak haru biru sudah jadi saya punya jantong. Dia worang manyak sayang sama saya. Apa macam saya punya worang bole kalah ini macam kalu?

Reporter: Tapi DS sendiri kalah di Sungai Siput?

DS: Dei mana saya ada kalah sana? Saya tadak minang, bukan saya kalah. Saya tadak minang pasai itu worang sudah manyak marah sama itu Pa Lah. Pa Lah punya pasai saya tadak minang. Kisian sama saya. Manyak India punya worang manyak sideh saya tadak minang. Ada yang sudah jadi gila dan ada yang dia sindiri punya diri sudah kasi bunoh. Tengok dia worang ada manyak sayang sama saya.

Reporter: Ada laporan yang mengatakan yang dulu ada seorang telah menipu dalam pemilihan party dengan mencuri 30 undi Subra yang menyebabkan kemenangan DS.

DS: Lu bole picaya ka itu cirita? Tadak la, mana ada. Actually, dia ada curi saya punya wundi itu pasai saya sudah sikit miss mau kalah tapi itu Tohan atas sana mau kasi saya minang jugak. Jangan picaya ini punya cakap sumua, apa pasai isekarang baru mau cakap. kalu itu kertas wundi bole hidop dia sudah ada cucu la. Cit itu cirita lama la, sudah busuk punya. Tamau cakap la itu lama punya cirita.

Reporter: Apa komen Datuk tentang kemelut dalm MCA sekarang?

DS: Aisay, apa pasai tanya sama saya ini worang punya cirita? Nanti dia worang cakap saya sudah tangan sudah campor dia worang punya hal punya dalam, tapi ah, saya mau kasi tau sama lu ah, ini woff the record la, tamau kasi cirita sama lain worang la, saya rasa itu MCA sudah mau jatoh la. Itu Tee Keat sudah mau mati la, tadak surupa MIC, manyak kuat punya party, tak bole goncang punya. Tamau kasi print ah? Okay saya manyak kirja ada.

Reporter: Last question DS, apa peluang BN dalam PRK Bagan Pinang?

DS: Cit, apa bodoh punya soalan mau tanya. Itu undi pos tengok la, ta payah tanya punya.